Big women know how to please

"Usually you can tell if you're pregnant, but with me, I couldn't tell," the 39-year-old Garden Grove resident said Thursday, pointing to her belly and explaining that, at about 420 pounds, she was so large that no one – including herself – could tell she had carried a baby to term.

If I were this woman’s doctor I might advise her to mix in a salad every once in awhile. I don’t have a medical degree but I can’t imagine it being too healthy when your legs look like manatees, you’re growing hair out of all your moles, and you can hide a baby in the fold of your stomach for nearly 9 months without noticing. I have so many questions; did she not find it strange that she craved whipped cream on her Big Mac or didn’t bleed from her slit for almost a year? How does one allow themselves to get so big? I mean I am a large man, but I always sack up and get a gym membership when my back pains prevent me from reaching around and wiping my ass, and when the sweat under my man tits begins to become noticeable on my Hawaiian shirts.

How would you like to be this kid? “My mommy said I was a miracle like baby Jesus, she went to make a poopy after her extra large pizza and there I was floating in her bedpan.” The real miracle is the fact that some dude was so hard up he rolled this beauty over, slipped up her muumuu, and went to town on her while she undoubtedly ate Snicker bars. I have always said big women are the best fucks, because they know they have to be dirty little sluts to keep getting laid, but this is taking it too far. With the BBW’s I was talking about you could at least lift their leg over your shoulder without wearing a back brace, and have them ride you without sustaining major pelvic injuries. I hope this kid likes giving sponge baths because he is in store for a life mending his mother’s bed sores, changing her bedpan, and stopping by In-and-Out Burger everyday after school.

Lawmakers obviously don't have style

CINCINNATI (Reuters) - Lawmakers in Ohio said on Wednesday they want to force convicted sex offenders to use a fluorescent-green license plate on their cars so they can be easily identified.

This is bullshit! I live in Akron, OH so you can bet I will fight to stop this law from passing. In addition to being discriminatory, prejudicial, and unconstitutional it is also impractical…I mean do you know how silly my brown 1987 Chevy El Camino will look with a florescent green license plate? I have spent the better part of the past 19 years pimping my ride out. I have worked numerous jobs (substitute teacher, swim instructor, librarian) to put in sweet white leather seats, a kickin sound system, I even have a hilarious license plate frame that says “My Other Car is a Porsche”, but the icing on the cake is a Cleveland Browns helmet on my antenna that I got from McDonalds. I can’t, I won’t stand for any law that is going to ruin my masterpiece. Florescent yellow or orange I could work with because they contrast nicely with the fecal brown of my El Camino, but florescent green is plain ugly and unjust!

Sure, I did some things in the past that some may view as “wrong” or “disgusting” or “predatory”, but do they really need to go and mess up my wheels? Is it not enough that I have to go introduce myself to all my neighbors whenever mother moves, I can’t walk my bichon frise Macaulay by any schools or parks, and I have to get monthly shots to make my testicles look like prunes?

Poke-her??? I didn't even touch her!!!

HYDERABAD- A teenage girl in southern Pakistan, whose late father lost her in a poker game when she was 2 years old, has asked authorities to save her from being handed over to a middle-aged relative.

Her mother, Nooran said her husband racked up a debt of 10,000 rupees ($151) to Haider playing cards. "My husband didn't have money to pay, and instead he told Lal Haider that he could take Rasheeda when she grows up," she said.

I must first admit that I am not a big fan of poker for a number of reasons:
1) It's a tad too trendy right now for my liking.
2) There is something very gay about getting drunk with 4 fat guys and staring into each other's eyes to determine who is lying (bluffing).
3) Anybody who wears sunglasses at night is either on ecstasy or on their way to go buy ecstasy... That is unless they are playing poker. And considering that wearing sunglasses can enhance your poker-performance, that just goes to show you how gay poker is.

That being said, if I could win a young bitch (and presumably a virgin) with a couple of "pocket Aces".... Well, I would be "all in" in a fucking heartbeat!!!!

Regardless, this dad gets the "smart guy of the year award." I mean, would you want to cough up $151 to your douche-bag friend if you have your 2-year old daughter playing out in the yard? Hell, no! I would sign the girl over, take my 151 dollars and do what I always do with 151 dollars... buy an eight-ball of cocaine for $120, a case of Bud Light for $18, a 24-pack of extra-thin Trojan rubbers for $12 (which would last me half a Friday night), a pack of Sweet Tarts for 75 cents, and then I'd put my left over quarter in one of those March of Dimes things so the girl in the picture can get her cleft lip fixed... Why??? CAUSE I'M A NICE FUCKING GUY THAT'S WHY!!!!

And I thought I was horny?!?!

HONG KONG- A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager, who still enjoys an occasional smoke, has attributed his longevity in part to decades of sexual abstinence, a newspaper said on Sunday.

"I don't know why I have lived this long," Chan Chi -one of Hong Kong's oldest people -was quoted as saying in the South China Morning Post during an annual feast for the city's elders. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sex-less life for many years - since I was 30," said Chan, a widower whose youthful bride perished during the Japanese invasion in World War Two.

A former chef, he said a low-fat diet and regular dawn exercises had helped him fight off the ravages of old age.

Ladies, there isn't one of you out there who wouldn't have sex with this man!!! You know it, I know it, and Chan sure as hell knows it. And imagine, this picture was taken of Chan 45 years ago at his birthday party (during his "prime"), when he was a young and horny 62-year old sex-pot. I mean, just look at the way he is looking at the camera... he doesn't care what you think because he is naked, just drank a little beer, and he knows he can fuck anything that walks. Hell, Chan could fuck the camera itself if he wanted to just because it took his picture. Why? Because Chan is that fucking sexy!

Problem is... CHAN DON'T FUCK!!! Why don't Chan fuck? Now that is the million dollar question!

Perhaps it's because he doesn't want to hurt his partner... I mean, what are asian men know for other than being good at Algebra and having huge cocks? Perhaps it's because no bitches are worthy of his dong. After all, that picture was taken 45 years ago (and 10,518 bowls of rice ago), so one could only imagine how sexy he is after letting gravity do its thing for another 4+ decades.

Regardless, Chan: enjoy your last few years on Earth and tear that nursing home a new one... Break out the boxed wine, the Viagra, put Cocoon on the big screen, and fuck those old bitches until they make you cum... because Lord knows you have a load in your pants that is the size of Lake Michigan!!!

Business in front, party in the back

LOS ANGELES - An appearance in family court sought by Kevin Federline amid a child custody dispute with Britney Spears was canceled Thursday after the pop star entered a rehabilitation program. Spears has gone into the Promises Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, her manager, Larry Rudolph, confirmed in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

As a man with a shaved head, bit of a drinking problem, and a supple ass I know what Britney is going through. I also know celebrity can be a grueling, stressful, and lonely thing to deal with as I was honorable mention all-league in basketball during my senior year of high school. I too fell into many of the same traps Britney has fallen into. Soon I was getting invited to all the house parties, I felt an obligation to dry hump every freshman girl that threw herself at me, and I began to drink a whole 40 oz of Budweiser on Friday and Saturday night…yeah I battled many of the same demons. They were some wild and crazy times, but you soon learn that your star will eventually burn out. I have often thought about how, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I could’ve totally banged a lot more lassies, but I digress…

I gave up a promising basketball career to pursue a life of leisure, so if I had one piece of advice for Brit it would be this: Get sober sugar and rejuvenate your once spectacular and fabulous singing career. Stop hanging out with the legally retarded, stop flashing your taco, and for goodness sake please stop drinking…unless you around me in which case I want you to booze hard girlfriend because I will help you spit out another kid. You will regret giving up your passion and talent for such frivolous things. Trust me I know; even though I can still dominate on the courts at my local YMCA (usually during my lunch break from Walgreens) it is not the same, a little piece of me dies with every hoop I make in an attempt to relive my glory days. I don’t want to see you doing an infomercial for acne cream or headlining Circus Circus in Reno, Nevada.

Chilling with grandma can be fun

LINCOLN, Neb. - Lincoln police said a 50-year-old woman was charged Tuesday with child abuse and criminal mischief after having her 12-year-old granddaughter drive her to her niece's house, where the grandma broke five windows.

Finnell said police arrested Britton when she came back to the neighborhood more than an hour later. Police found Britton drunk and belligerent in the car with the 12-year-old behind the wheel, Finnell said.

Bear with me as my math is terrible, but if this 50-year-old woman is drinking, smoking, and vandalizing shit with her 12-year-old granddaughter that means she became a grandmother at 38 years young. If we take into account the average age of ovulation, add a few years for an obligatory meth addiction, and assuming someone would not impregnate a bitch with dentures (which is assuming a lot) we can use the median age of tooth decay in Nebraska to estimate the age of the childs mother to be around 21; meaning this granny was 17 when she gave birth to what surely is one healthy, grounded, and stable woman. Do you follow?

If this bitch is bonding with her granddaughter by tying one on and throwing rocks at windows I can only imagine what she did with her own daughter during her "prime"...Group orgies, freebasing, possibly armed robbery?

I don’t know how they do it on the Nebraskan Indian Reservations, but where I am from teenage pregnancy is frowned upon for this exact reason. I realize she probably got saucy on “fire water” and fell under the spell of the tribal shaman, but come on; it is the responsibility of the woman to make sure the dude always wears a tipi, as any self-respecting Native is going to prefer it Geronimo style.

Don Vito loves pussy

FEBRUARY 15- Turns out that MTV personality Vincent "Don Vito" Margera's lewd behavior was not limited to allegedly groping teenage girls during an autograph session last August in Colorado. A cop testified earlier this month that when she and her female partner busted the 50-year-old Margera, he called them "psycho bitches" and claimed that he was being arrested because, "you want me to lick your pussy later." Margera, who was a regular on MTV's "Viva La Bam" and appeared on "Jackass," both of which starred his nephew Bam, also remarked that, "your pussy must be so tight you can't even smile," recalled Melissa Mayne, a cop.

Margera is facing charges that he touched the breasts and buttocks of three girls who attended a promotional event at a mall skate park. At the time of the incident, two of the alleged victims were 12 and a third girl was 14. One of the younger girls told police that as she got Margera's autograph, he grabbed her breast and remarked, "Big boob."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's official: i think I have a new idol. Up until this morning, my idol was Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Ever since I was a child, there was something about that look on his face when he tucked his dick between his legs, put on makeup, and said "i'd fuck me so hard" that always made me want to make more of my life.

Well scoot aside Bill, untuck your dick, and let the fat bitch out of the well, because I've got a new idol: Don-fucking-Vito. I mean, how fucking awesome is this guy? If you aren't able to see the awesome-ness at play here, let me walk you through it. First off, Don Vito is famous for eating anything that his nephew puts in front of him while, of course, his nephew and all of his douche-bag friends beat the ever-living-shit out of him. Second, this has somehow resulted in people wanting autographs from him. So does this man just sit back and thank the good-Lord for his fame.... NO!!! He goes and grabs some titty. Then he looks at the girl and mutters "big boob" which is the creepiest and most money line ever said by a 50 year-old man at a skate park (trust me I know... click here to see a pic of me teaching my boyfriend how to skate). To top it all off, Donnie Vito gets arrested and then tells the female cop that her pussy is tight and needs to be licked by him. Don't get me wrong... I am not speaking for her pussy, but if I was a pussy, who else would I want licking me??? Don-Fucking-Vito, that's who!!!

Don Vito: for eating roast beef sandwiches like they are bagel bites, for saying "big boob," for being so horny despite not being able to see your own dick, and for sharing my love of tight pussy.... You are our 'Celeb of the Week.'

You are a dumb vagina

Anonymous said...
Hey Nancy,

that's right.....Nancy, as in: you're such a 'nancy'....Dude, cmon......you describe fishing as a 'an effort to catch 'a vagina tasting slimy creature'???...what are you thinking? Fishing takes patience, focus, and you need to be able to deal with nature's worst at times.....Don't be such a pussy....and don't comment on things that you obviously know very little about.

We find it necessary to once again dip into the old mail bag and respond to one of our very intuitive and intellectual readers. The above response (by a vagina named "anonymous"), was in regards to a recent posting of ours when we made it clear how retarded and lame fishing is.

As we mentioned previously, fishing is in fact a pursuit of 'a vagina tasting slimy creature.' Fish are indeed slimy and yes, the fish I catch (in the local waterway) do taste like many of the bitches I eat out (mostly large black women). So... it looks like we are all square on the purpose of fishing, which is to catch a creature that is slimy and tastes like negro putang. On to the issue at hand!

It seems, however, that we are in disagreement over the skill-level necessary during this strenuous (leisurely) activity. You (you fucking vagina), claim that "fishing takes patience, focus, and you need to be able to deal with nature's worst at times." Well... being constipated and trying to shit in a thunderstorm takes patience, focus and dealing with mother-nature. Another activity that would qualify as being "fishing-like" according to your definition would be me kidnapping and making love to your mother in a hailstorm.

Anonymous: Thank you again for your insight and remember this weekend while you fish that you are a dumb, nonathletic, worthless, fishing vagina.

Ron Jeremy is proud to be a Jew

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Porn star Ron Jeremy wants to be taken seriously -- with his clothes on.

Dressed in a dark track suit with a protruding belly that shows he is past his physical prime, Jeremy hardly strikes you as one of the most successful American porn stars.

But Jeremy, 53, who claims to have been with more than 4,000 women during a 30-year career, is the first to admit that he is not your stereotypical sex star. He believes his average looks are a key to his success.

As a fellow Jew I am rooting for Mr. Jeremy to succeed, as his quest is one all Jewish men have been on for almost 3,000 years…to be taken seriously. For too long we have been mocked for our curly afros, slumping shoulders, and abnormally large calves. IT MUST STOP! We may be men small in stature, but beneath our jungle of coarse pubic hair lays a sleeping anaconda. Ron has done more for the Jewish movement than anyone in recent memory, Moses included.

I use to be the butt of everyone’s jokes, but that all changed one magical day. My mother had run out of laundry detergent, so I was forced to go to school with no underwear. During gym class I was dominating on the badminton courts when my gym teacher came from behind and “pants” me, leaving me exposed for the whole senior class to see. All I heard were shrieks of shock and awe as my flaccid dong hung along side my well defined quadriceps. Frozen from embarrassment the only thing I could think of doing was some of my penis puppetry tricks that I usually do for Rosh Hashanah. Soon people were laughing and slapping me high-five. After that it was like everyday was a bar mitzvah; women wanted to be with me, and men want to be me.

It is sad when Jewish men can only be taken seriously when they are in the midst of an anal gang bang or doing penis puppetry. We, as a people, are more than our freakishly large genitalia. That said...I am sure you have all heard the expression “once you go black you never go back”; well at the Temple we have a similar expression, “once you go Israelite you're always a sodomite".

I miss you daddy!!!

OTTAWA- A Canadian television network was formally reprimanded on Wednesday for a program which showed a man repeatedly swearing and drinking beer while driving a motorboat and then telling children they should behave like him.

The offending segment from an action sports show called "fatbluesky" showed a character called Joe driving a boat which contained a cooler filled with beer. Joe was then seen drinking from a beer can while at the wheel. Later on he addressed "boys and girls" and told them in expletive-filled comments that if they were as smart as he was, they could live the same way as he did.

Ther isn't really much to say about this story other than the fact that this guy obviously rocks! I have been going to church every Sunday trying to live the "right way." But now it's clear: the "right way" involves Miller Lite, outboard motors, and hot Canadian boat-hoes.

However, this story saddens me, for it reminds me of my dead father (who is pictured above). My dad loved boats and he loved to drink.... Most importantly, he loved his Captain's hat, which he wore everywhere.

This picture was taken in 1985 when my dad, my mom, my sister, and I were enjoying a nice day out on the delta. My dad had a few too many "brew-dogs" as he liked to call them and he made love to my mom right there in front of us on the boat's bow. It was a disturbing sight and all... My mom trying to fend my dad off the best she could, while he tried his best to give her a Cleaveland Steamer, all the while trying to keep his beer from spilling and his Captain's hat from falling off. To cut a long story short, he finished his "steamer" while screaming "I am El Capitan!!!" Nine months later, I got a little brother. Unfortunately, my father never got to see my brother, for my dad died tragically as he attempted to barefoot waterski while trying to touch his tongue to his T'aint.

I miss you dad!

Fishing is a very sensuous thing

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - The fish's long shadow slid under the ice, causing Darren Horness to blink. "I was skimming some ice off the hole, and all the sudden I thought I caught a little bit of movement, and I had to kind of take a step back," said Horness, 36, of Howards Grove. "The fish was actually coming up into the hole, I just could see part of it and could tell it was a kind of a nice fish, but I had no idea how big it really was."

This may be hard to believe but I am not much of a manly dude when it comes to red neck activities like fixing cars on my lawn, shooting potentially dangerous squirrels, and catching slimy vagina tasting creatures from our waters depths. So I may not be the right person to comment on this story; but I find it very odd that someone would willingly walk onto a frozen lake to cut a hole in it, all for the purpose of staring at said hole for hours, waiting for that exhilarating moment when your bobber bobs...and then the battle begins! Man versus beast in a winner takes all show down. You with your $300 rod, $100 reel, and $80 tackle box against the fish with his fins; who is going to win? Sure the fish is, at most, half your size and has a brain the size of a pea, but at any moment he could pull you under the water and go Jackie Chan on your ass with his 3 inch fins. In my book you are all heroes as someone has to provide little old Japanese men with food.

Is it normal to describe your struggle with the fish in such a sexual way, and then take pornographic pictures with it like Mr. Grove?

Paula has the shakes

NEW YORK - Paula Abdul's spacy behavior on "American Idol" have prompted many to ponder if there's a tumbler or two of booze in that red cup on the table in front of her on the Fox talent contest.

That's nonsense, the 44-year-old "Idol" judge tells Us Weekly magazine in its Feb. 16 issue. "I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says. "Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that."

This is balderdash! Why must these tabloid journalists write such hurtful things? What lie are they going to write about next? That Randy Jackson has Tourette’s Syndrome because he always says “yo” and “dog”; or Justin Guarini is a twink working the Hollywood streets; or maybe that Ruben Studdard has an addiction to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It just never ends and it makes me sick!

As a third year PhD student in neuropsychology it is painfully apparent that Paula’s actions are not the result of alcoholism but rather due to her advanced Parkinson’s disease, which she obviously contracted during her well publicized affair with Michael J. Fox. The affair occurred while Paula was separating from her first husband Emilio Estevez the star of the Mighty Ducks trilogy and love child of Martin Sheen and Lupe Ontiveros (best known as the house cleaner from Goonies). Luckily, Emilio tested negative for Parkinson’s and has been able to maintain his prolific acting career.

Let this be a lesson to us all that anyone can get an STD, so if you’re going to have sex always wear a rubber as it will help reduce the risks of contracting Parkinson’s, cancer, and diabetes.

Gary Glitter is persistent

HANOI, Vietnam - A Vietnamese court reduced former British rocker Gary Glitter's child molestation sentence Wednesday, cutting his three-year term by three months as part of a nationwide Lunar New Year prison amnesty, a judge said. Glitter, convicted of molesting two Vietnamese girls, will now be released in August 2008, said Tran Thi Thien Huong, a judge on the deciding panel.

The 62-year-old Glitter, whose real name is Paul Francis Gadd, was convicted in March 2006 of committing "obscene acts with children." He later went to Cambodia but was expelled from that country in 2002. Cambodian officials did not specify a crime or file charges against him.

In my book: any man whose name rhymes with God (Gaad), has amazing hair, rocks (and pulls off) rhinestones, and has an air of confidence such as Gary G, should be free to grope anybody he damn well pleases.

But just say that my little rule doesn't apply in these third-world countries... I think that the only thing that Mr. Glitter should be guilty of (other than being too awesome) is just being cheap. Rumor has it... One could have a room full of virgins for weeks on end in places such as these for pennies on the dollar. Think about that: ten dollars, for unlimited sex with virgins. I just don't get why he wouldn't just spend the ten bucks and take some of these little fuckers behind the woodshed. I mean the guy produced songs for the Beatles before becoming simply-awesome in the 70's. Ten fucking dollars Gary... TEN BUCKS!!!

Best part is, Gary was actually formally kicked out of Cambodia. I mean, how do you call mom and explain to her that you actually did enough sick shit to get kicked out of a country where it is socially acceptable to crap on 8 year olds (if you have the cash of course)? At that point, you are officially the lowest of the low. I liken it to coming in last place in the 100-meter/ down-syndrome heat at the Special Olympics.

That's about all I have to say about Mr. Glitter, as I have my travel agent on the line. I am seeing what the air-fare looks like for a little trip to Cambodia for Spring Break.

Celebrity is a team effort

As we rack our brains weekly in search of the ever-elusive 'Celeb of the Week,' we often times find it difficult to define celebrity. What makes a person a celebrity? Is it luscious lips (Eriq La Salle)? Is it ravishing good looks (Eric Roberts)? Is it being the greatest Asian homosexual actor of a generation (B.D. Wong)? Is it having a huge dick despite being the size of a Cabbage-Patch doll (Peter Dinklage)? Or is countless biographical shows about you running endlessly on the Discovery Health Channel, TLC, and A & E? I think it is the latter!

Further cementing The Schappell Twins 'Celebrity of the Week' status is the fact that Reba (the little one who gets wheeled around) in addition to being a trophy winning bowler is also a country singer who won the L.A. Music Award for Best New Country Artist in 1997. She has performed in Germany and Japan, as well as multiple places in the U.S., and sung the National Anthem at the Cabbie vs. Stuttering John fight in May, 2002. Lori (the big lesbian looking one) basically just pushes Reba everywhere she needs to go.

You may recall their co-starring role in the movie Stuck on You as siamese twins. They also appeared in an episode of Nip/Tuck where they were marvelous as conjoined twins.

Because these vixens have persevered through a life of constantly smelling each others bowel movements, allowed video cameras to tape them for our amusement, and for brightening the world with their (her?) music...the Schappell twins are our special Celebrities of the Week!

Dirty pillows in heaven

As a man who loves big women this is a sad sad day. The most famous BBW of all-time has left this world and gone to the McDonalds in the sky. Yes, Anna Nicole Smith is gone forever and so too are the memories of abusing my body to her Playboy spread. Sure, she had some flaws: letting a 90 year old man with no teeth munch on her box, fucking that tool Howard K. Stern, murdering her son, and having a child out of wedlock whose paternity is still unknown; but we have all made mistakes...so don't judge.

Anna was a warm and gentle soul as evidenced by her mentoring of her bull dike purple haired assistant Kim Walther, and her friendship with the super macho and always stylish Bobby Trendy. Anna even invited the elderly and Jewish to lie in her bed as the abovementioned Howard K. Stern and J. Howard Marshall can attest too.

I hold a special place in my heart for Anna, because without her incredibly inspiring battle against lard I may still be 475 pounds. I saw what TrimSpa did for her in those commercials and bought myself a year’s supply. Now I am 467 pounds; thank you Anna!

Stay sexy in heaven pork chop!

Notice anything unusual (awesome) about this picture???

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. - An Albany, N.Y., man is accused of riding nude in a gondola at Stratton Mountain Resort on Dec. 15. William N. Barrett III, 46, pleaded not guilty to felony lewd and lascivious conduct and misdemeanor marijuana possession. Tuesday in Vermont District Court.
A witness reported to lift attendants that Barrett was nude and touching himself inappropriately while riding the lift. Barrett, who was fully clothed when he reached the bottom of the hill, denied being nude. He told police he had taken off his jacket and shirt because of the nice weather.

This is actually a picture of Mr. Barrett stretching before what he thought was going to be a fun day skiing. You see, Mr. Barrett has a bad back and he always stretches before skiing, so to not further aggravate his slipped-disk. To further loosen up, he sometimes has a Jack Daniels and Coke or some Budweiser (as you can clearly see in the picture). If you also look close enough in the picture you can barely make out the fact that Mr. Barrett HAS THE BIGGEST FUCKING NUTS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I mean, holy fuck!!! I am not gay, but I have spent the better part of my work-day staring at these things. His nut on the right looks like a fucking Pilates ball, or at the very least, is the size of the head of a down-syndrome baby. In fact, his nuts and sack are so big it looks like there is a flying squirrel hiding beneath his dick.

If I were Mr. Barrett's defense-attorney I would show the judge this picture... and explain that he got nude on the chairlift so he could better cup his balls so they wouldn't scrape on the mountainous terrain below. However, if the judge still doesn't buy this line of defense despite seeing the picture... the Judge will probably dismiss the case, as there is no way that the touching of balls this big could ever be deemed inappropriate.

iPods and Pea Coats: An Epidemic

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New Yorkers who blithely cross the street listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone could soon face a $100 fine.

Thank god! It is about time cities start fighting back. I think I am the only person in the fucking world that does not have an iPod or Pea Coat. I do have a radio, television, and Discman so why the fuck would I need an iPod? Yeah that's right...I said Discman! I do not need 2,000 fucking songs at my disposal. I don't know 2,000 words let alone songs. All I need is a Rascal Flatts or Carrie Underwood CD in my Discman and I am set for a day of easy listening.

I am tired of saying "excuse me" as I try to pass clueless iPod users only to have them not budge. I hate getting hit by the flaring arms of a middle aged man with purple hair as he has his one man rave on the sidewalk. No more listening to someone else’s rap music as I'm trying to read my romance novel.

If you ask me, this is not going far enough. I would suggest a city ordinance that requires anyone riding on public transportation take a shower at least 24 hours before boarding. I realize this may depress the minority work force due to an inability to get to work, but it is not fair that we people who can afford soap have to sit next to someone reeking of cigarettes, gin, and curry. Then I would make it against the law for fat women to take escalators (plus they need the exercise), which would then allow us people who have to get to work on time to keep walking up the escalator. Finally, I would ban the use of push carts by Asian women thus preventing any more foot and shin injuries. Do these few things and our cities will once again be habitable.

Daniel Baldwin hates his brothers

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. - A judge issued an arrest warrant Tuesday for Daniel Baldwin after he failed to appear in Orange County Superior Court on charges that he illegally took another person's car.

Which Baldwin is this one? I know there is a fat Baldwin, a Baldwin who watched Sharon Stone go to the bathroom and then railed her from behind, another Baldwin who is only slightly less fat and now hangs with the likes of Ron Jeremy, Jose Canseco and Ponch on reality TV shows, and a Baldwin who is less famous than any of his superstar brothers. Judging by the photo I would guess this is the less famous Baldwin.

Cut him slack though, it has to be tough living in the shadow of three megastars like Alec, William, and Stephen. I know what this is like as I to come from a family of entertainers. At a very early age I felt the pressure to perform sexually on camera and it took its toll on me. It was only through the grace of God, three stints in rehab, and a cocktail of powerful HIV drugs that I am here today to share my story. Hopefully Daniel will have a similar intervention and right his life.

I do have one gripe with Danny Boy though. The guy was fucking trolling the Santa Monica streets for a ride, undoubtedly in an attempt to get to an audition for Dancing with the Stars, and all he could come away with was a 2003 Yukon? Bro, this is why you aren’t as famous as your brothers…you just don’t have the passion and drive to succeed like they do. Alec never would have left Santa Monica in anything other than a BMW or Mercedes.

Next time you are down on your luck, which will probably be when you are released from jail, I suggest shaving and offering your newly acquired janitorial skills to your brothers for some table scraps.

Astronauts wear diapers... WHEN DRIVING!!!

ORLANDO, Fla. - NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and will remain jailed.

Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

An officer reported following Nowak and watching her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

At first glance this story looks like your typical kidnap gone awry resulting from a tangled love triangle. I called my good buddy Russ to pick his brain (his name is actually Randy, but once he moved away to college he changed his name to Russ.. to get chicks I think). Anyways, Russ (Randy) is a pretty creepy dude, and we suspect him of multiple kidnappings throughout the Bay Area. He said that the steel mallet, the knife, the trenchcoat, the rubber tubing and garbage bags are pretty much standard and essential if you are going to snag a chick in your red '86 Jeep Cherokee while she is jogging on a Thursday evening, tie her down to your mattress where the seats used to be, poke her repeatedly while smoking Marlboro Reds, and then bury her at the top of Edgewood park (where the trail forks East).

Anyways, what makes this fascinating is that the chick drove 900 miles... THE WHOLE TIME WHILE WEARING DIAPERS (to save time of course). If I do my road-trip math correctly, I estimate that she probably pissed 4-6 times during her journey and probably pooed 1-2 times. I think it's a safe bet to say that it probably isn't worth driving all that way to kill a chick if you have to sit in your 'lemonade' and 'logs' for the last 800 miles of the trip. That is unless, of course, the fellow astronaut's dick was huge... which could then make such a journey worthwhile.

Regardless, this tale saddens me to no end. In fact, when I get home this evening (and before my shift of ticket-taking at the local theatre), I am going to take down the flourescent stars and moon that cover my bedroom ceiling and glow at night. Because I no longer want to be an astronaut... Because astronauts poo while they drive!!!

R.I.P. Uncle Ronnie (1958 - 2007)

I aplogize for the lack of posts lately, but I have suffered a terrible tragedy, as my Uncle Ronnie (my hero) has passed away recently at the tender age of 48. I can't begin to express the sense of loss I feel right now at the thought of never being able to bask in Uncle Ronnie's warm glow again... a glow that had touched so many.

Ron-Ron was the best mailman that our town had ever seen and many feel that he was the best babysitter this world has ever seen. He had the ability to get along with anybody: kids, friends, strangers, old people, retards, and even blacks. Ronnie had many hobbies: he was the sensei at our local Dojo, he was a respected hair-stylist, and he produced some of the finest ice-sculptures these eyes have ever seen. And Ronnie had a huge dick, something that he loved to remind us of every Christmas.

And most of all, Ronnie was smart... Very smart!!! For instance, he refused to use a public-defender and chose instead to defend himself; beating not one, but two molestation charges. Further, last month my dog was very ill and began to refuse to take its thyroid medication. So what does my Uncle Ronnie do??? He makes a yogurt/medicine concoction and guess what... my dog began to take its medication and is now as healthy as a horse (the picture above was taken of Uncle Ronnie two weeks ago as he first attempted to give my dog its medication).

Uncle Ronnie: For saving my dog, for having such a big dick, for teaching my mom (your sister) how to have sex, for being the most popular guy in town, and for being so God-damn money... You are our honorary "Celeb of the Week."

R.I.P. you stud!!!