Bob Barker cures hangovers

PASADENA, Calif. - The man with a golden voice who gave away warehouses of refrigerators and sofas during his 35 years as host of "The Price Is Right" says the secret to a good game-show host is the ability to listen.

Barker, who turned 83 in December, said he wanted to retire "while I'm still young," and credits his vegetarian diet for his good health. He had a different answer when asked how he's able to maintain his energy.

"Booze," he said to a laugh.

I don't remember much from my college years, but one thing I will never forget is the sense of arousal I got from rolling out of my bunk bed, turning on the tube, and seeing Bob drain a 50 foot putt. His voice, like a shot of bourbon, was so smooth and sensual it just seemed to melt the hangover away. He was a very excitable man however (as attested by many of Barker's Beauties and anyone nearing a $1 spin), yet he could be so warm and caring the moment after the little hiker man fell off the cliff. To watch him control, and almost will, those Plinko chips into big money slots was like watching any great master during the prime of their career; be it Michelangelo, Frank Lloyd Wright, or Bob Villa. All of this in addition to his saintly work stopping the needless reproduction of dogs and cats. The man was simply god-like.

Once he does finally retire he should write a diet book about living well and staying active into your 80's. I need to know the secret of his survival on vegetables, fresh pussy, Johnny Walker, and Viagra.

You will be missed, but never forgotten!

My boner + your vagina = Life in prison

DETROIT- Philanderers beware: spouses caught cheating in Michigan could end up spending the rest of their life in prison. The state's appeals court recently ruled that extramarital flings can be prosecuted as first-degree criminal sexual conduct, a felony punishable by up to life in jail.

"Technically," he added, "any time a person engages in sexual penetration in an adulterous relationship, he or she is guilty of CSC I," the most serious sexual assault charge in the state's criminal code.

I must admit that getting cheated on is no joking matter. I have been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in. After much self-reflection I can only attribute this depressing fact to two possible reasons:

1) I have a very small penis.... I mean VERY small. I am not sure why, since I am half-black and half-italian (think Vin Diesel but not so fucking gay). But my dad thinks it's because of the low-levels of pesticides I was exposed to as a child on our strawberry farm. Often times, while picking strarberries, my undeveloped dong would brush against the freshly-misted plants.

2) My dick really stinks, and always has. It has had this mysterious odor since I went camping when I was a kid. I don't know why, but it is quite embarrassing and is always on my mind when I am knocking it out.

My God, could you imagine getting locked up for life for getting a little strange behind the old lady's back??? These state officials need to chill the fuck out and pray to God that anybody is even living in that shitty state, let alone happy enough to make a little consensual love. Put your time to good use and clean up Eight Mile (which is portrayed as a very dangerous area, despite being populated with very talented wiggers).

I say fuck on Michigan.... FUCK ON!!!

Mario and Justin Timberlake kill woman

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - As participants in KDND-FM's water-drinking contest chugged bottle after bottle, a listener called in to warn the disc jockeys that the stunt could be fatal. "Yeah, we're aware of that," one of them responded. Another DJ said with a laugh: "Yeah, they signed releases, so we're not responsible. We're OK."

Strange was one of about 18 contestants who tried to win a Nintendo Wii gaming console by determining how much water they could drink without going to the bathroom.

"They keep telling me that it's the water. That it will tell my head to hurt and then it will make me puke," she said. Eventually, Strange gave in and accepted the second-place prize: tickets to a Justin Timberlake concert. She commented that she looked pregnant, and a female DJ agreed. "Oh, my gosh, look at that belly. That's full of water. ... Come on over, Jennifer, you OK?" a male DJ asked. "You going to pass out right now? Too much water?" Several hours later, Strange was found dead in her home.

These poor kids! Now when they go to school and have to compare stories with other unfortunate children whose parents died.... some will say: "my dad died in Desert Storm." or "my dad died in Montana in a a tragic fly-fishing accident." These poor kids have to admit that their mom died trying to score some JT tickets and a fucking Nintendo.

By the way, who would want a Nintendo anyways? I quit playing Nintendo 15 years ago because I couldn't get through one level of Excite Bike without having to take the fucking game out and blow on it for 18 minutes. By the time I got the damn thing up and running I was over it and on to the next thing... making my sister's Ken-doll fuck Barbie doggy, while all of the Troll-dolls watched with their hair on fire.

By the way, if they are available, I would love those JT tickets... I find nothing more sensual than young boys with Jew-fros!!!

Cops are more worthless than yeast infections

HANOI - A woman has been returned to her home in Vietnam's Central Highlands 18 years after she went missing as an eight-year old girl tending cows near the Cambodian border, her father told a newspaper on Thursday. Policeman Ksor Lu long believed that his daughter had been eaten by a wild animal until last Saturday when he was told that loggers had found "a forestman" at a village in Cambodia's province of Ratanakiri. The loggers told Lu that they caught her after realizing that someone had sneaked up and taken their lunch.

I wonder if the guy is more relieved that his daughter is home or more pissed-off that his child left as lovely girl but returned as a "forestman." And no, I don't think that the loggers were misquoted or that something was lost in the translation when they called her a "forestman"... because about 28 of my good buddies are loggers and they are VERY smart. In fact, my best Jewish friend Darrick is a logger and he is probably the smartest person I know... One time he ate out this fat chick with a yeast infection. We all thought it was gross but he said it was just like eating bread or drinking beer, which (he claimed) both contain a lot of yeast. He was right... and very smart!!!

Hell, maybe the girl didn't even want to get captured. I know if my dad was a cop, I probably would live in the woods and eat the sandwiches of loggers as well. But then again, I don't know if cops in Cambodia are viewed the same way there as they are here (as worthless fat-fucks with mustaches and really lame-looking sunglasses... who always got picked on in middle-school but are now settling the score by writing tickets for terrible wrongdoings such as rolling-stops or forgetting to turn your wheels when you park on an incline).

God gave us K-Fed

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Britney Spears no longer wants him as her husband and audiences have been cool to his attempt at a rap music career, but Kevin Federline has Nationwide on his side.

Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co., known for its "On Your Side" slogan, plans to run a national ad during the Super Bowl, and K-Fed has been tapped to star, the Columbus-based company announced Wednesday.

Let me make this very clear...I am a huge Kevin Federline fan! I would never hate on a man who exemplifies everything I believe in (unprotected sex, male alimony, and dancing). K-Fed, much like myself, is from a small California farming town who dared to dream big. What was this dream you ask? Oh nothing much, just a desire to shake our moneymakers to music while bandanas and wrist bands absorb the sweat from our brow. Yes it is true, I wanted to be a tiny dancer man but it was not to be as my bowed legs and portly physique made it very difficult for me to do the splits.

I can see why Nationwide Mutual Insurance Co. wants him to pimp their company, as the man is a perfect storm of talent with moves like Jordan Knight's and a voice like Marky Mark's. Is there anything this guy can't do? I mean he sings, he dances, produces children out of wedlock, and now he acts! Not to mention his impeccable style and marvelously groomed facial hair. Move over Wayne Brady you have company.

"A douche bag (aka Anonymous) is a piece of equipment for douching"

The Dudes of Leisure would first like to thank all of our loyal readers for making this first month so very enjoyable. We have hopefully let you into our perverted world and, in the process, have enlightened you and helped expand your minds with our in-depth and immensely important discussions on a wide breadth of topics ranging from menstruation to boners to midgets.

With that being said, we are going to set aside some time every so often and reply to our loyal readers in hopes of better understanding their insightful and relevant comments.

A posting from a very ballsy and boisterous young chap, who was clever enough to use the name of "Anonymous":
HAHAHAHA! You are SOOOOOOOOO funny. Because all you posted is facts and you posted the sources to back it up. How educational for us all.You deserve a PULITZER/NOBEL PEACE/EMMY/GRAMMY for that thought provoking monologue full of wit humor and fact.

First off Anonymous, your mother should have had an abortion! Or at the very least, she should have made you read more history books. I don't get what you find erroneous about what we wrote. It is a fact that MLK had a very invasive procedure known as a sex-alteration in 1953. If you don't believe me, then you can ask my little brother who is 6 and was the one that told me (he also told me he saw Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny tag-teaming your mother). And yes, MLK was packing heat (before the aforementioned surgery of course)... and it is a fact that he was a tad bigger than 8 inches when limp. I can't tell you who told me that because she is very old now and might not remember telling me... but the story involved a Mobile, Alabama hotel room, a clown suit, 2 Magnum condoms, and some of the finest malt liquor the South had to offer.

So Anonymous, next time you come spouting your crazy shit for all to read, do your homework... Because if there is anything that I am good at besides receiving oral sex, it's reciting history bitch!!!

Keith Urban is a party and play kind of boy

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Keith Urban has completed his treatment for alcohol abuse and will ease back onto the stage with a short run of club shows in the United Kingdom and Germany in April, his spokesman said Tuesday.

It’s good to see Keith get back on the saddle. Nothing shows a commitment to sobriety like leaving rehab and going on a tour of saloons and state fairs. I mean the temptation to drink during a Keith Urban USA tour would surely be too great with all his crazy groupies; prepubescent girls, Christian teens, and overweight mothers in black leather vests, cowboy hats and boots, so it is a good thing he is starting off in Europe where no one has a drinking problem.

I think I would develop a drinking problem too if my wife could kick my ass, made more money than me, and had to lie down to suck me off. It is a miracle he didn’t drink more; luckily his 135 pound frame would only allow him to consume 4 Coors Lights before he blacked out, thus preventing any of the cruel side effects of alcoholism…like a hangover. His drunken exploits are legendary though! During a tour with Kenny Chesney he drank one too many Strawberry Daiquiri and got into a heated argument with Kenny (over a cross necklace) resulting in the two men rolling on the ground wrestling each other in their wife beaters and tight black jeans. There was even speculation that during the fight Keith became so enraged that he ripped Chesney’s jeans off and gave him a vicious titty-twister.

When will the world realize you don’t fuck with an Aussie after he is 4 Coors Light deep and has a small man’s complex: see Mel Gibson, Russ Crowe, Steve Irwin, and the Wiggles.

Like a frog's, my ass is water-tight

OMAHA, Neb. - Two things made Christopher Willever's drunken theft of a Tobacco Hut even worse as he crawled across the store floor, a lousy belt and his camera-loving backside. Tired of being poor, Willever drank a fifth of rum and decided to rob the store, said his public defender, Kelly Steenbock. He was drunk enough not to realize that his pants had fallen down, exposing his bottom to cameras that eventually fed the surveillance to TV shows across the country. "He was pretty humiliated and embarrassed," Steenbock said. Otepka said Willever was an adult who is still supported by his mother and does not have a high school diploma.

First off, how money does my butt look in that picture? My mom really flashed her artistic side with that pic, and is really putting her new camera to good use. GO MOM!!!

That being said, I feel badly for this kid and am going to try to take it easy on him. He kind of has the perfect-storm going on.... he's poor, uneducated, and he lives in Nebraska (although it would have just been easier saying he's from Nebraska because you would have presumed correctly that he is poor and uneducated).

The best part of the story is how his defense is that he is tired of being poor. Hell, I have been tired of having a small dick for the past 2+ decades, but you don't see me polishing off a bottle of rum and tying free-weights to my schlong. If you are tired of being poor, do what most poor people in the Midwest do: have lots of babies, buy yourself a primer colored gas-guzzler, and develop a crippling meth-addiction.

If you do that, you will save yourself the embarrassment of admitting to the world that you are a drunk, poor, dumb, and live with mommy.... and that you don't have an ass nearly as firm and sculpted as mine!

You are so fucking sexy Eric with a "Q"

Being a black man, I have a soft spot in my heart for black-male actors and their plight. Today, being MLK day, I find it fitting that this week's 'Celeb of the Week' be a man cut from this ilk. Many actors from this pantheon of greatness were considered: Sidney Poitier, Morgan Freeman, Gary Coleman, Tyrese, Billy Dee Williams, and of course, any of the Wayans brothers.

However, no man's work stands out quite like that of my brotha from anotha motha... Eriq La Salle. It is in my very humble opinion that Eriq is the finest black actor of his generation... and perhaps, the greatest actor of all time (I can't technically call him the greatest of all time because my two buddies and I put it to a vote, and he ended up in a three-way tie with Skeet Ulrich and Don Cheadle).

It brings a tear to my eye when I think of his stereotype shattering role as Darryl (the heir to the Soul Glo throne) in Coming to America. And it warms my heart when I think of how many lives he saved as Dr. Peter Benton on ER. And it brings me to my knees when I think of what he did for all black people by directing "Soul Food" the TV series, which brought to light the cholesterol-filled food that has killed so many of us black men.

Eriq (Darryl): for having such luscious lips, for saving so many lives on TV, for spelling your name in such a tricky way, for being so God-damn sexy, and for making us black men proud on such a special day.... This week is yours my friend... Congratulations, for you are our "Celeb of the Week"

MLK kept it so real

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, "Marc," has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male. I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive. As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I've dated that I was born with male genitalia.

This story is quite fitting as it's Martin Luther King Jr. day here in the US. MLK, as many of us know, was the first African American to undergo a successful sex-change operation. To make his story all the more amazing, was the fact that what he had "nipped and ticked" was said to be around 8 inches when soft (slightly above average for black men).

That being said, MLK's "Dream" that he spoke so fondly of opened the door for people such as this lady-boy to get their junk lopped off and turned into a gash.... But I just feel badly for this Marc dude. But then again, this Marc guy is a fucking idiot for not mixing in the trans-gender question during the mandatory question-asking portion of the dating process:

1) What do you do for a living?
2) How many brothers and sisters do you have?
3) Did you at any time have a dick? If so, was it bigger than mine?

Thank you MLK for freeing the slaves, for getting us a day off of work, and for making it socially acceptable to get your donger lopped off!!! RIP my brotha!