Lawmakers obviously don't have style

CINCINNATI (Reuters) - Lawmakers in Ohio said on Wednesday they want to force convicted sex offenders to use a fluorescent-green license plate on their cars so they can be easily identified.

This is bullshit! I live in Akron, OH so you can bet I will fight to stop this law from passing. In addition to being discriminatory, prejudicial, and unconstitutional it is also impractical…I mean do you know how silly my brown 1987 Chevy El Camino will look with a florescent green license plate? I have spent the better part of the past 19 years pimping my ride out. I have worked numerous jobs (substitute teacher, swim instructor, librarian) to put in sweet white leather seats, a kickin sound system, I even have a hilarious license plate frame that says “My Other Car is a Porsche”, but the icing on the cake is a Cleveland Browns helmet on my antenna that I got from McDonalds. I can’t, I won’t stand for any law that is going to ruin my masterpiece. Florescent yellow or orange I could work with because they contrast nicely with the fecal brown of my El Camino, but florescent green is plain ugly and unjust!

Sure, I did some things in the past that some may view as “wrong” or “disgusting” or “predatory”, but do they really need to go and mess up my wheels? Is it not enough that I have to go introduce myself to all my neighbors whenever mother moves, I can’t walk my bichon frise Macaulay by any schools or parks, and I have to get monthly shots to make my testicles look like prunes?

Poke-her??? I didn't even touch her!!!

HYDERABAD- A teenage girl in southern Pakistan, whose late father lost her in a poker game when she was 2 years old, has asked authorities to save her from being handed over to a middle-aged relative.

Her mother, Nooran said her husband racked up a debt of 10,000 rupees ($151) to Haider playing cards. "My husband didn't have money to pay, and instead he told Lal Haider that he could take Rasheeda when she grows up," she said.

I must first admit that I am not a big fan of poker for a number of reasons:
1) It's a tad too trendy right now for my liking.
2) There is something very gay about getting drunk with 4 fat guys and staring into each other's eyes to determine who is lying (bluffing).
3) Anybody who wears sunglasses at night is either on ecstasy or on their way to go buy ecstasy... That is unless they are playing poker. And considering that wearing sunglasses can enhance your poker-performance, that just goes to show you how gay poker is.

That being said, if I could win a young bitch (and presumably a virgin) with a couple of "pocket Aces".... Well, I would be "all in" in a fucking heartbeat!!!!

Regardless, this dad gets the "smart guy of the year award." I mean, would you want to cough up $151 to your douche-bag friend if you have your 2-year old daughter playing out in the yard? Hell, no! I would sign the girl over, take my 151 dollars and do what I always do with 151 dollars... buy an eight-ball of cocaine for $120, a case of Bud Light for $18, a 24-pack of extra-thin Trojan rubbers for $12 (which would last me half a Friday night), a pack of Sweet Tarts for 75 cents, and then I'd put my left over quarter in one of those March of Dimes things so the girl in the picture can get her cleft lip fixed... Why??? CAUSE I'M A NICE FUCKING GUY THAT'S WHY!!!!

And I thought I was horny?!?!

HONG KONG- A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager, who still enjoys an occasional smoke, has attributed his longevity in part to decades of sexual abstinence, a newspaper said on Sunday.

"I don't know why I have lived this long," Chan Chi -one of Hong Kong's oldest people -was quoted as saying in the South China Morning Post during an annual feast for the city's elders. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sex-less life for many years - since I was 30," said Chan, a widower whose youthful bride perished during the Japanese invasion in World War Two.

A former chef, he said a low-fat diet and regular dawn exercises had helped him fight off the ravages of old age.

Ladies, there isn't one of you out there who wouldn't have sex with this man!!! You know it, I know it, and Chan sure as hell knows it. And imagine, this picture was taken of Chan 45 years ago at his birthday party (during his "prime"), when he was a young and horny 62-year old sex-pot. I mean, just look at the way he is looking at the camera... he doesn't care what you think because he is naked, just drank a little beer, and he knows he can fuck anything that walks. Hell, Chan could fuck the camera itself if he wanted to just because it took his picture. Why? Because Chan is that fucking sexy!

Problem is... CHAN DON'T FUCK!!! Why don't Chan fuck? Now that is the million dollar question!

Perhaps it's because he doesn't want to hurt his partner... I mean, what are asian men know for other than being good at Algebra and having huge cocks? Perhaps it's because no bitches are worthy of his dong. After all, that picture was taken 45 years ago (and 10,518 bowls of rice ago), so one could only imagine how sexy he is after letting gravity do its thing for another 4+ decades.

Regardless, Chan: enjoy your last few years on Earth and tear that nursing home a new one... Break out the boxed wine, the Viagra, put Cocoon on the big screen, and fuck those old bitches until they make you cum... because Lord knows you have a load in your pants that is the size of Lake Michigan!!!