Business in front, party in the back

LOS ANGELES - An appearance in family court sought by Kevin Federline amid a child custody dispute with Britney Spears was canceled Thursday after the pop star entered a rehabilitation program. Spears has gone into the Promises Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, her manager, Larry Rudolph, confirmed in an e-mail to The Associated Press.

As a man with a shaved head, bit of a drinking problem, and a supple ass I know what Britney is going through. I also know celebrity can be a grueling, stressful, and lonely thing to deal with as I was honorable mention all-league in basketball during my senior year of high school. I too fell into many of the same traps Britney has fallen into. Soon I was getting invited to all the house parties, I felt an obligation to dry hump every freshman girl that threw herself at me, and I began to drink a whole 40 oz of Budweiser on Friday and Saturday night…yeah I battled many of the same demons. They were some wild and crazy times, but you soon learn that your star will eventually burn out. I have often thought about how, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I could’ve totally banged a lot more lassies, but I digress…

I gave up a promising basketball career to pursue a life of leisure, so if I had one piece of advice for Brit it would be this: Get sober sugar and rejuvenate your once spectacular and fabulous singing career. Stop hanging out with the legally retarded, stop flashing your taco, and for goodness sake please stop drinking…unless you around me in which case I want you to booze hard girlfriend because I will help you spit out another kid. You will regret giving up your passion and talent for such frivolous things. Trust me I know; even though I can still dominate on the courts at my local YMCA (usually during my lunch break from Walgreens) it is not the same, a little piece of me dies with every hoop I make in an attempt to relive my glory days. I don’t want to see you doing an infomercial for acne cream or headlining Circus Circus in Reno, Nevada.

Chilling with grandma can be fun

LINCOLN, Neb. - Lincoln police said a 50-year-old woman was charged Tuesday with child abuse and criminal mischief after having her 12-year-old granddaughter drive her to her niece's house, where the grandma broke five windows.

Finnell said police arrested Britton when she came back to the neighborhood more than an hour later. Police found Britton drunk and belligerent in the car with the 12-year-old behind the wheel, Finnell said.

Bear with me as my math is terrible, but if this 50-year-old woman is drinking, smoking, and vandalizing shit with her 12-year-old granddaughter that means she became a grandmother at 38 years young. If we take into account the average age of ovulation, add a few years for an obligatory meth addiction, and assuming someone would not impregnate a bitch with dentures (which is assuming a lot) we can use the median age of tooth decay in Nebraska to estimate the age of the childs mother to be around 21; meaning this granny was 17 when she gave birth to what surely is one healthy, grounded, and stable woman. Do you follow?

If this bitch is bonding with her granddaughter by tying one on and throwing rocks at windows I can only imagine what she did with her own daughter during her "prime"...Group orgies, freebasing, possibly armed robbery?

I don’t know how they do it on the Nebraskan Indian Reservations, but where I am from teenage pregnancy is frowned upon for this exact reason. I realize she probably got saucy on “fire water” and fell under the spell of the tribal shaman, but come on; it is the responsibility of the woman to make sure the dude always wears a tipi, as any self-respecting Native is going to prefer it Geronimo style.

Don Vito loves pussy

FEBRUARY 15- Turns out that MTV personality Vincent "Don Vito" Margera's lewd behavior was not limited to allegedly groping teenage girls during an autograph session last August in Colorado. A cop testified earlier this month that when she and her female partner busted the 50-year-old Margera, he called them "psycho bitches" and claimed that he was being arrested because, "you want me to lick your pussy later." Margera, who was a regular on MTV's "Viva La Bam" and appeared on "Jackass," both of which starred his nephew Bam, also remarked that, "your pussy must be so tight you can't even smile," recalled Melissa Mayne, a cop.

Margera is facing charges that he touched the breasts and buttocks of three girls who attended a promotional event at a mall skate park. At the time of the incident, two of the alleged victims were 12 and a third girl was 14. One of the younger girls told police that as she got Margera's autograph, he grabbed her breast and remarked, "Big boob."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's official: i think I have a new idol. Up until this morning, my idol was Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Ever since I was a child, there was something about that look on his face when he tucked his dick between his legs, put on makeup, and said "i'd fuck me so hard" that always made me want to make more of my life.

Well scoot aside Bill, untuck your dick, and let the fat bitch out of the well, because I've got a new idol: Don-fucking-Vito. I mean, how fucking awesome is this guy? If you aren't able to see the awesome-ness at play here, let me walk you through it. First off, Don Vito is famous for eating anything that his nephew puts in front of him while, of course, his nephew and all of his douche-bag friends beat the ever-living-shit out of him. Second, this has somehow resulted in people wanting autographs from him. So does this man just sit back and thank the good-Lord for his fame.... NO!!! He goes and grabs some titty. Then he looks at the girl and mutters "big boob" which is the creepiest and most money line ever said by a 50 year-old man at a skate park (trust me I know... click here to see a pic of me teaching my boyfriend how to skate). To top it all off, Donnie Vito gets arrested and then tells the female cop that her pussy is tight and needs to be licked by him. Don't get me wrong... I am not speaking for her pussy, but if I was a pussy, who else would I want licking me??? Don-Fucking-Vito, that's who!!!

Don Vito: for eating roast beef sandwiches like they are bagel bites, for saying "big boob," for being so horny despite not being able to see your own dick, and for sharing my love of tight pussy.... You are our 'Celeb of the Week.'