Erections can be dangerous

ANTWERP, Belgium (Reuters) - Mozart, an iguana with an erection that has lasted for over a week, will have his penis amputated in the next couple of days. Veterinarians at Antwerp's Aquatopia had sought to treat the animal's problem, but decided removal was the only solution because of the risk of infection. The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.

I feel for the little guy. The same thing happened to me after a buddy suggested I mix Viagra with Ecstasy. I would come to learn later that this friend was in fact a homosexual, something I was completely oblivious to despite his nipple piercing and incessant need to rub hand lotion on me when I was “rolling”…Fast forward about an hour: I’m flaring my arms and legs to shitty House music and my cock is resembling a pulsating tomato. I start freaking out and ask my buddy what to do... Suprisingly enough, he suggests rubbing hand lotion on my cock to sooth the throbbing. The pain was immense yet oddly erotic. My buddy spent hours applying the lotion, but to no avail.

Believe you me, I thought about amputation but I had another friend who snapped and paid a Mexican surgeon to lop his off and now he has a colostomy bag and watches porno all day. I guess I passed out from all the blood rushing to my meat; when I came to 20 hours later my dick was chaffed, the Jergens was empty, and strangely there were roast beef cold cuts in my bed. Go figure.

There ain't nothing Wong with a little B.D.

Being an Asian American, there are so few role-models to look up to. Over the years, I have looked to many to provide me with inspiration: Bruce Lee, Kim Jong-Il, Wayne Newton and most recently, my Uncle Ronnie. I think my Uncle Ronnie put it best a couple of weeks back before he took off his shirt and took that picture by the tree.... "Bruce, it's tough being an Asian these days... damn tough."

He was right, but nobody has dealt with this better than my yellow-brotha B.D. Wong. B.D. has broken the mold for all Asians out there. He has put an end to Asian type-casting in Hollywood, by only playing brainiac doctors in supporting roles. The "Wonger" has also shown many young Asian boys that Asian males can get laid, by nailing his partner, Richie Jackson, so god-damn much. When B.D. isn't pushing Richie' shit in, he has done the impossible: have twins (males, ironically), despite never sleeping with a woman. While this feat is amazing and slightly impossible, it is dwarfed by the notion that these two queens now have a couple of young boys in their grasps. To me, letting these guys "raise" these two boys is kind of like letting the Hamburglar have a job at McDonalds making burgers.... just seems too good to be true.

B.D.: For getting your man pregnant, for having such a big dick, and for never portraying the smart Asian guy on television, we thank you.... and you are our 'Celeb of the Week."

Girls go wild for speedo's

LOS ANGELES, Jan 22 (Reuters Life!) - The founder of "Girls Gone Wild" videos featuring young women who take off their tops was fined $500,000 on Monday for violating rules designed to prevent exploitation of minors.

This may surprise many DOL readers, but I am in complete agreement with this ruling. To follow around drunken teens is exploitive and I am very against exploitation, unless it involves the elderly. I can remember my Spring Break days at Lake Havasu; it was a free-for-all and boy did I clean up. The chickadees were mesmerized by my feathered hair and well filled out Speedo. I gave them what they wanted and I got what I needed, but don’t worry ladies I always had a box of rubbers in my Fanny-Pack.

The last thing I would want during this seduction process is some pervert with a camera immortalizing my mating dance (moving my pelvis back-and-forth as to slap my wang against my stomach) while I stared down my prey through my Ray-Bans. It sealed the deal every time. I WAS SUCH A FUCKING SUPERSTAR!

I digress...what kind of a sick pervert would follow around drunken sorority chicks and videotape them doing naughty things to each other. As a father, if I somehow happened to come across these tapes and saw my daughter and her sorority sisters doing bad things to each other I would probably become aroused, rub one off (I would stop during scenes involving my daughter), and then slap his ass with a lawsuit.

Chris Hansen would like to meet you

By now we have all seen the phenomenon that is To Catch a Predator with Chris Hansen; never has a man taken so much pride in the retelling of cybersex chat logs. Yes Chris, you are a very talented and tough little man. Your interrogation of those men, while they’re sitting on a stool, is both informative and thought provoking! Thank you for protecting our children from truckers, military men, and Hindu’s. Your work is invaluable.

I hate to sympathize with these peders, but does anyone else think the cops use slightly too much force? Do we really need 30 cops surround a house where a 150 pound man with acne, a mustache, and a backpack is entering? Only to pile drive him into the ground as he leaves the most embarrassing situation of his life. You would think these guys would notice a few cops during the half hour they chill outside the house in their truck working themselves into a frenzy.

Chris Hansen does seem to have a slight advantage though; the guy is fishing with fucking dynamite. Most of the cats they bust have not been with a woman since their mom stopped breast feeding them at the age of 10. To then seduce them with suppleness the likes of a young Mandy Moore is simply unjust. I, a man of superior moral character, might even be tempted by the decoy they use (does she have a website?).

I do suggest one thing for guys who are thinking about meeting hot young puss...look in the mirror and ask yourself one question: why would a 14 year old girl want my fat, ugly, unsuccessful ass? Contrary to what you may think, a picture of your cock and a 6-pack of beer are not that persuasive.

My Brother Charlie Wears a Merkin

AMSTERDAM - The Netherlands, the country that has pioneered reality shows like "Big Brother," is planning a new first -- a dating program for the visibly disfigured.
"Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?" says an appeal on its Web site. "The program is a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way with the rest of the Netherlands and to show that they are absolutely not pitiful," the broadcaster said.

But the majority of Dutch viewers are turned off by the show that was initially set to be called "Monster Love."

First off, that kid in the picture is my little brother Chuck. He lost his leg when he was four after the side-car detached on my dad's motorcycle, sending my brother 40 feet into a revine. My dad was pretty broken up about his side-car being totalled, but he was pretty stoked to hear that my little bro would walk again... albeit with only one stick. That being said, I think my bro's disfigurement kind of gives me free reign here.

I think the real tragedy here is the fact that they wanted to name the show "Monster Love." I think they should call it "Monster Boner" instead, because that's what I have right now... and I don't see things changing until I bed me a hot burn victim or, at the very least, a vixen with a webbed-hand.

The Dutch need to loosen up a bit and take a cue from my dad and give the handicapped a hard time, so they feel like real people. Every year, on the first night of Chanukah, my pops tells the story in front of all of our guests of how my bro lost his leg and the majority of his skin on his lower body (making it impossible for him to grow pubes)... all this as a preface to the unwrapping of his new merkin, which my dad carefully picks out for him for to rock for the next year (my pops thinks it's vital to have some sort of hair there because, as he says, "chicks love that friction against their chewy hangs"). My bro doesn't seem to care much because he has such a good sense of humor... being handicapped and all. And he's always pumped to get his new pubic-wig.

Old Chicks Rock!!!

LINZ, Austria - Firefighters said Monday they rescued an 81-year-old pensioner who spent four days stuck in her tub after she got in for a warm bath and couldn't muster enough strength to get out.

Firefighters told public broadcaster ORF the woman was in surprisingly good condition despite having been immersed in bath water since last Thursday evening. They said she told her rescuers she lacked the strength to get out of the tub and had knocked and shouted for help.

How ironic is it that a couple of days ago we write about Bob Barker still going strong at 83 years old on his strict regimen of bacon, vodka and fresh putang... and now we have a lady two years his junior that is too fucking lame to even get out of her bathtub. Who can't get out of a bathtub? Last time I looked, my bathtub was about a foot and a half high. What is she bathing in a fucking well?

Furthermore, who takes baths.. baths are soooo 1980's, when people found it amusing to take bubble baths and play all sorts of games like the Loch Ness Monster (when you pop a boner... let it rise above the bubbles... flex it a few times... making it look like Nessie). Or when you fromp (which is basically just farting in the tub and biting the resulting bubbles).

Regardless, I know how my hands look after about an hour of hot-tubbing... so I can only imagine what grandma's twat looked like after more than half of a week of casually soaking. I am guessing it looked like a hybrid of Jessica Tandy, a bulldog, and about a half-gallon of cottage cheese.

This man is an unoriginal pedophile

PHOENIX - A charter school alerted authorities to a 29-year-old sex offender who tried to enroll there, pretending he was just 12, in what sheriff's officials said Friday may have been an attempt to lure children into sexual abuse.

The Yavapai County sheriff's office also said Neil Havens Rodreick II conned two men he was living with and having sex with into believing he was a young boy. One of them, 61-year-old Lonnie Stiffler, called himself Rodreick's grandfather when he tried to enroll him at Mingus Springs Charter School as "Casey Price."

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

This dude is a plagiarizer! He stole this fucking idea from the Wayans Brothers. I remember watching their movie Little Man and thinking to myself…if only I were a midget or looked like a pre-teen boy I could totally fake people out.

I am sure his enrollment in middle school was harmless; he probably just needed to brush up on various topics so he could compete in an academic decathlon to decide control of his fathers company.

I have to give him props though, because this dude really got into character by shaving off all his body hair. He will be hating life when that shit starts growing back. I can remember shaving my head once when I noticed a rather asymmetric patch of chest hair…next thing I know…my right testicle was bleeding and I had a nasty case of razor burn that looked like a herpes outbreak (so I have been told). Once that stuff started growing back I had to call in sick to work for 3 days and pleasure myself for hours just to relieve the itching.

Seriously though, the real victims here are the two older gentlemen who had fallen in love with who they thought was a pre-teen boy. I have been lied to like this in past relationships, and it stings. To open up and give yourself complete to a person, and find out they are not who they claim to be, is heartbreaking.