Mike Tyson is not sober

PHOENIX (AP) -- Mike Tyson was released from jail without bond on a felony drug possession charge Friday after an early-morning arrest in which Buckeye police said they found two bags of white powder in his back pocket.

"He admitted to using today and stated he is an addict and has a problem," according to a police probable cause statement filed in Maricopa County Superior Court. "Mike admitted to possessing bags of cocaine and said he uses any time he can get his hands on it."

Mike Tyson is addicted to drugs? What am I going to learn next; Clay Aiken is gay? I mean is this even news worthy? The man was sent to jail for doing naughty things to Miss Black America, threatened to eat the children of one of his opponents, and oh yeah, he bit the fucking ear off another human being. Cocaine is the least of his worries. I would, however, suggest developing a more cost effective habit, like say crack, so he can save up enough money to get that fucking growth removed from his head and still pay child support for his 7 kids. You would think after his fourth kid from three different women that “Iron” Mike might think about slipping a rain coat on that anaconda, but no, Mikey doesn’t roll like that.

I can’t blame him though; Had I been born with a port-wine birthmark and a lisp, I too might be a tad bit angry.

Saddam is Hung (Like a porn-star)

Much like the deaths of Elvis Presley, Ronald Reagan, and Steve Irwin; Saddam's passing ends an era. I know he wasn’t a nice guy and that he did many mean things, but you have to give props to someone who essentially gave the world one long mustache ride for 30 years. Never has a man's cock duster been so damn intimidating. Saddam made the porn-stache look fashionable before Ron Jeremy had pubes. Plus he gave us the two greatest sons of all time; Uday and Qusay whose sole purpose in life was to drink champagne, smoke opium, torture soccer players, and make a whole lotta love.

Be sure this New Years Eve to pour a little liquor out for my homey, Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti.

Indiana Jones is old, Short Round is not

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - George Lucas said Friday that filming of the long-awaited "Indiana Jones" movie will begin next year. Harrison Ford, who appeared in the three earlier flicks, the last one coming in 1989, is set to star again. Lucas kept mum about the plot, but said that the latest action flick will be a "character piece" that will include "very interesting mysteries."

Are these two D-Bags really that bored that they are attempting to trot out a 60-year old dude with a cut-off shirt, a dusty cowboy hat, a whip, and still think that any of us still give a crap about this shitty story line?!?!

I know that sitting around in a mansion all day with nothing to do but watch your dog menstruate can get a tad monotonous, but this is ridiculous! How can Indiana Jones be expected to whoop ass if Harrison Ford is too old and beat-up to execute a Stand-Up 69 (Which by the way is one of the most underrated sexual positions, as it takes lots of precision and, not to mention, oodles of lower-body strength)?

Pay Phones... The Next Big Thing

BOCA RATON, Fla. - A carjacking suspect called 911 and turned himself in to police after he crashed a stolen sport utility vehicle twice and got lost while fleeing the crime scene, authorities said.

Claude King, 31, called police from a Palm Springs pay phone and confessed to stealing the SUV on Tuesday night, The Palm Beach Post reported.

"Um, I committed a crime," he told the police dispatcher. "I stole a vehicle."

I think the most bizarre aspect of this story is the fact that this dude used a pay phone. I mean, who the hell uses a pay phone any more other than migrant workers? Then again, maybe the guy is just keeping it real... maybe he still owns a pager, wears Hammer-Pants, and listens to Another Bad Creation and PM Dawn on his yellow Walkman Sport.

Call me crazy, but I would have called a buddy (or even my mom) for a ride before I called the cops. Perhaps Claude has no friends, was bored and a tad lonely, and just merely wanted a SUV without having to make those burdensome monthly payments.

Next time you are lonely Claude, do what most guys do when lonely in the greater Palm Springs area... Take a Viagra, take your pants off, and run into a wall dick-first about 29 times.

Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest are manly men

Two men enter. One man leaves with Dick Clark's crown on his carefully coiffed head. It's Seacrest vs. Daly in a New Year's Eve showdown for viewers.

This story can't be true. I just assumed that Dick Clark always hosted the New Years Eve bash because he had erectile dysfunction which meant he had nothing else to do that night. But to hear that these two guys are now fighting over this gig is just ridiculous.

Has Carson Daly really gone from being balls-deep in Jennifer Love Hewitt and having hundreds of virgins screaming his name on a daily basis to being in a tit-for-tat battle with this Queen? If so, he better hope that someone invents a time-machine... LIKE NOW!

My advice: Carson, let the Queen have the gig and do what I do every New Years Eve... Get two busty mannequins, three New Years Eve hats, some pills, some booze, and break in the new year right (a.k.a. how Dickie Clark used to when his boner still worked).

Driving a bus is very rewarding

FERN PARK, Fla. - A 15-year-old boy has been sentenced to four years in a juvenile treatment program after deputies stopped him driving a stolen bus along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares.

Passengers and deputies noted Davis drove the bus at normal speeds and made all the appropriate stops on the route. One passenger, suspicious of the driver's youthful looks, called 911.

He was already on probation for taking a tour bus and driving passengers around in January, authorities said.

First off, we gots to give mad props to my main man for his perseverance. I mean we all have dreams. Some of us want to be astronauts, others want to be the first female President, and some want to be the jizz-mopper at the local porn-theater. Me, I wanted to be the next John Holmes.

But this kid just wanted to be an appreciated civil servant and get people to where they have to go... while obeying all of the rules of the road (except that age limit thing).

I am just shocked the kid didn't get caught sooner impersonating a bus-driver. After all, I would have called the cops the second I noticed that he didn't have a thyroid problem, huge thighs, black leather gloves, a hairy mole, and a bagged-lunch.

Gonzo vs. F'Donk

Would you rather...Be dumped for having a Gonzo Dong or for F'Donking a woman?

First and foremost, to make a sound decision as to which I would rather have, or have happened to me, a clear-cut definition of the two must be presented. A Gonzo Dong is a penis that bends, up or down, in a way that makes it look like Gonzo's nose. In contrast, a F'Donk is when someone of the male gender rips his penis out of his pants and promptly proceeds to slap it across the face of an unsuspecting female. The sound created by this slapping action closely resembles the word “F'Donk".

Bottom line: I am not a staunch advocate of either; I can only respect their existence. For those who suffer from the Gonzo ailment, my sympathies. Because of the curvy shape of their members, Gonzo dudes plug holes differently from the rest in that they motion up and down, hitting walls that the normal strait-dicked man has never even dreamed existed. Thus, if dumped for having a Gonzo Dong you must realize the flesh boomerang is not an ailment, but something to be proud of because your dick defies the "laws of dong." Nonetheless, the F'Donker is debonair in his own way. Just swinging your piece at someone deserves 12 high- fives. More importantly, you could say, "Yo hommie, I F'donked the shit out my GF last night".

All in all the questions remains... Would you rather? Based on street-cred, getting dumped for having a Gonzo is a blessing in disguise because your dick was way too sweet and unique for that tramp. As for the F'Donk, I have yet to encounter anyone who has F'Donked an unsuspecting female, so until then, I would rather have a Gonzo dick because having sex would be like pumping water out of a water well old-fashion style.

Farting is dangerous

NORTH PLATTE, Neb. - Brian Bruggeman caused a stink at the Lincoln County Jail earlier this month and will now have to answer for it in court. Another inmate, Jesse Dorris, alleges that Bruggeman's flatulence, passed in close proximity to Dorris, sparked a Dec. 14 fight between the two at the jail.

An attorney later added: "Jail fights are common, but the cause of this one was rather uncommon. It's usually about someone hogging the newspaper or someone not happy about what's on TV,"

Talking about being wound a bit too tight. Hell, if I got my ass kicked everytime I let one loose, I wouldn't make it through my first quarter-mile on a treadmill (Side note: Does anybody else have to turn down the volume on their ipods when on a treadmill in fear of letting out an audible fart?).

But after reading the story, I am no longer afraid of doing hard-time. I definitely think I could survive due to my innate ability to not hog the newspaper, complain about what's on the tube, or fart. See... I was always worried about the public ass-rapings, getting assaulted for my salisbury steak, and the ability of the imprisoned Nazi-youth to make Samurai swords out of toothpaste and sawdust.

This jail shit is for the birds!!!

Drinking and driving is illegal

MANCHESTER, N.H. - Police say a man they pulled over for driving drunk continued to swig his beer during his arrest. Patrick Allain, 35, faces numerous charges after his arrest Monday night, the fourth time he's been arrested for driving while intoxicated. Police say he hit two other cars and initially refused to stop when officers tried to pull him over.

When he finally stopped, Allain allegedly continued to drink a 40-ounce bottle of beer, telling officers, "You can charge me with whatever you want. It's not going to stop me from drinking and driving."

Oh that seductress. I too have been under her spell... but unlike Allain, when I was arrested I was usually crying in my pee drenched jeans and so consumed with offering "favors" to any officer who would cut me a break I would often times forget about my unfinished 40-ounce bottle of beer.

I have to give it to him, he knows what he wants, and he fucking goes after. The man just wants to drink malt liquor while cruising the country side. Is that so bad? One can only hope they experience the kind of love in their life that Patrick Allain has for alcohol. So I say...drink on Patty my boy, drink on!

Gerry was ahead of his time

We normally like to refrain from discussing politics... but with the passing of Gerald Ford (aka the most money President ever), we must indulge.

Despite being the President of the greatest country ever and despite inventing the automobile, Gerry will be remembered for his very vivid and often times very sexual imagination. For those of you that don't know, Gerry invented the reach-around and frottage.

His wife Betty was also instrumental in building the most boring hotel on earth, the Betty Ford Center. That is, when she wasn't busy giving the old man a rusty trombone (also Ford's creation).

Keep it real Betty, and leave a room open for me and a bed made, because it is only a matter of time until my affinity for Bud Light and Adderall grab a hold of me.

See ya soon sugar-tits!!!

Adam Sandler loves himself

Adam Sandler, a New Hampshire native, helped brighten Christmas for a sister and brother who are struggling with cancer. The 40-year-old actor, whose movie credits include "The Longest Yard," "50 First Dates" and "Mr. Deeds," sent a Sony Corp. PlayStation 3 loaded with games to 15-year-old Stephanie and 18-year-old Kevin Hudon of Manchester. Sandler also sent signed DVDs, jerseys and an autographed "Longest Yard" poster.

Call me cynical, but if I was dying of cancer in New Hampshire, I would want a new wig, a gallon of morphine, and a plane ticket anywhere just to get out of my shithole of a state. What would Adam Sandler want, you ask? You guessed it, signed copies of his own movies and an autographed poster memorializing the worst movie made in the past decade (and no that isn't my opinion, it is a fact).

We can now only assume that Adam has been maintaining a low profile due to his habitual masturbation, and who knows, maybe because he can't make a successful movie without speaking like a 40-year old baby.

Christmas is not for everyone

NEW YORK (AP) -- Two grinches spoiled Christmas Day for a church, robbing the safe of more than $20,000 in donations for needy children, police said.

It takes a special person to steal Christmas, so we have compiled a list of those people we think are capable of such an act:

Bono, Osama Bin Laden, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Mario Lopez, The blond bully from Karate Kid, Rosie O’Donnell, Gary Busey, Hitler, Tom Cruise’s baby, Lionel Richie, Stalin, Jimmy Smits, Charlie Sheen and obviously, Louie Anderson.

James Brown: hardest working man in heaven

Yes, James Brown will be in heaven performing for God. Never has such a scary ass brother appealed to so many white folk. I mean sure he liked to dabble in recreational PCP use, slap his women around, and threaten pedestrians with firearms; but he gave soul to so many white people, and in my book that is God's work.

Thank you Mr. Brown for showing that you can never be too old to do drugs, hit women, and do the splits. May you now rest in peace Jimbo

Jan-Michael Vincent is a survivor

After being born on July 15, 1944 with a girl’s name, it was all downhill from there for Jan-Michael. Miraculously, he rebounded from his tragic birth to patch together a 40 year acting career which has been described by many as 'dog shit'. After a career highlighted by his role in Airwolf, Jan-Michael found his post-acting days to be quite busy, as he was permanently injured in a car crash leaving him with a harsh, rasping voice to go along with the permanent scar on his face from being savagely mauled by a dog. Jan-Michael would go on to develop a rather nasty addiction to pills and booze, thus ending any chance at reviving his once 'dog shit' career. We still think he is awesome, so he is our 'Celebrity of the Week'.

Gus doesn't blame the Jews

This is kind of old news but I just came across his mug shot and I felt compelled to write something short, as it is the day before Jesus’ birthday. Apparently Gus Van Sant, director of Good Will Hunting, likes to drink lots of alcohol and then drive erratically late at night. I am glad to see that at least he took his arrest like a man and refrained from any anti-Semitic rants; rumor has it he was actually doing research for his next movie on the life of Steve Prefontaine.

I also find it incredibly impressive that after a hard night of drinking, driving, and undoubtedly black tar heroin induced sex with street vagrants (he was in Portland) that his man wig stayed so marvelously intact