RLS will cripple you

Ok, I watch a disturbing amount of TV, so maybe I am the only person to see these commercials but they are blowing my mind. Some drug company is pimping its cure for get this…Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS). It is not that I am opposed to drug companies pimping their drugs as I have always been of the mindset that I want drugs to cure me and I will ask questions later, but Restless Legs Syndrome? Come on! Erectile Dysfunction, STDs, and bladder drug commercials are all welcome, because I will probably suffer from one if not all of those maladies, so if I have to pee a lot through a limp nub with blisters on it I want to know how to fix that. If I have a case of the jimmy-legs though I will usually get up, and who knows, maybe go for a walk. I had a buddy with restless legs and they gave him something called Ridalin, so in addition to curing his jimmy-legs it helped with his homework and also provided us with a cheap high. Something makes me think the RLS drugs won’t have the same fun side effects.

They actually have support groups for this syndrome. I would pay to sit in on that group. I can only imagine; a bunch of fat people jumping up and down, comforting each other as they shake their massive thighs.

“Mexican Madonna” is back seducing young girls

I had never heard of this Gloria Trevi, the "Mexican Madonna”, but apparently she is the cats meow down south.In addition to being jailed for luring young girls into her entourage with the promise of stardom, and then tagging teaming them with her manager and backup singer; Gloria Trevi is also a gay activist. Is she gay? No, but apparently that does not matter as all one needs to be a gay activist is a few feather boas, some bright colored clothes, and the ability to make terrible music.

Who am I to tell the Mexican gay community who they should unite around, but I would think that she is not it. I mean she did flee to Brazil and served time in jail for child molestation.

Trevi, however, does not view herself as a sex offender, instead she sees herself as a teacher:

"Artists, and above all `La Trevi' teaches us, especially women, about all the sides of ourselves: the sexy one, the showoff, the passionate one, the mother, the super hero," she said.

If this 'artist' is teaching young girls how to become mothers than it is no wonder so many Mexicans are fleeing to the States...that would be one fucked up mom.

Apparently teachers really like sex

“An Elizabeth High School teacher has been arrested and charged with having sex with a member of the school's football team during an away game in Glenwood Springs last month.”

Two questions: Where were these teachers when I was in high school, but more importantly, how the hell does one initiate this kind of relationship? ‘Uh Johnny, I really enjoyed your reading of Of Mice and Men in class today and uh, I was hoping I could give you a call. Maybe I could help you with your book review or perhaps fellatio?’

I mean I have been on my fair share of dates and it is awkward enough putting the moves on a BBW from Craiglist personals, I can’t imagine the balls it takes to get into the pants of your English teacher. Of course it might have been easier if I had a teacher that was as hard-up for some loving as this gal:

“Darcie Esson, 32, an English teacher for four years and sponsor of the student council, is accused of having sex with a 17-year-old football player on the floor of her hotel room while her two children, ages 4 and 8, and their babysitter slept in the two beds, according to the arrest affidavit. The female babysitter is also a 17-year-old high school student…The babysitter told authorities that the football player left at 4 a.m., which the football player confirmed. The babysitter later found a used condom in the bathroom, she said.”

Come on now; at least she is teaching him about safe sex.

The Japanese are like bears

"A man who went missing in western Japan survived in chilly weather without food and water for over three weeks by falling into a state similar to hibernation, doctors said…'Uchikoshi fell into a state similar to hibernation and many of his organs slowed, but his brain was protected,' said Dr. Shinichi Sato, head of the hospital’s emergency unit. 'I believe his brain capacity has recovered 100 percent.'"

This has got to be bullshit! How can any Japanese man go three weeks without eating at Benihana's?

But say it is true, who can sleep three weeks? I slept 15 hours once, but that was only after a full day of drinking Jack Daniels and snorting copious amounts of cocaine.

But then again, maybe this guy is just brilliant. The next time I'm pulled over or the next time a guy is about to beat my ass at a bar, I will just fall asleep for 3 weeks because when I wake up things will be all good.

Regardless, one thing is true: the part about Ochikoshi's brain capacity recovering 100%. In fact, I think that the guy's head has recovered 264%. GO BACK TO SLEEP JAPANESE GUY, YOUR HEAD IS ABOUT TO BURST!!!

Julio Cesar Cu is a treasure hunter

“Julio Cesar Cu wanted to be an oceanographer but instead he swims through foul-smelling sewage in underground tunnels where the occasional dead body bobs beside excrement and car parts.”

Wow, I love when dreams are realized. I have a soft spot in my heart for people who persevere against all odds. He did not let the fact that he is poor, uneducated, and 200 miles away from an ocean stop his dream of underwater exploration. God gave this man lemons and he turned those lemons into a sea of fecal matter.

What particularly warms my heart is the passion and zest with which he loves his job; "I like diving as a sport. As a job I like it even more," he said. "I do a job that benefits a lot of people."

Yes Julio, you are helping many and for that we thank you! Thank you for being a compassionate human plunger.

Santa will hurt you

You know who I'm talking about... Those guys standing out in front of stores ringing those God-damn bells begging for people to put money in those red buckets for you guessed it...Tanqueray. I'm not giving you money because I figured you out; I've known for years that Santa isn't mean, skinny and black!

This is not a racial thing, this is a Santa thing. I mean is there anything more creepy than a fake Santa? I can't believe parents trot their kids out to malls, parks and schools to sit on the lap of old men wearing fake beards, red robes, and black leather boots. I mean of all the possible holiday jobs who the hell signs up for this gig? Weird fucks that is who!

Christian Slater wants your mom

"A source close to 48-year-old Stone has insisted they are dating, and claims the 'Basic Instinct' actress is going to invite Slater, 37, to her house for Christmas.

The source is quoted as saying: "They're both really happy - but they don't have long-term expectations. It's a fun fling for the holidays and Sharon is a good influence. She rarely drinks and has three kids. It's a good match for now."

This story is amazing because it's impossible to tell what's more pathetic: Dating a geriatric who is only famous because she flashed her beat-up beaver 20 years ago; or the fact that Sharon Stone is inviting 'Hard Harry' from Pump up the Volume over for Christmas?

What the fuck could they possibly talk about? Their blossoming careers...in the early 90's?

Regardless, the source is right about this being a great match, because Sharon is a mother (grandmother?) and doesn't drink much, which is apparently what Christian needs. Hell, my mom has three kids and rarely drinks and I don't see guys banging on our door Christmas morning. Then again, she hasn't had 200,000 degenerate losers hit their 'pause button' and beat-off over her exposed muff... Well done Christian!

'Survivor' winner has a huge cock

"On his way to winning reality show "Survivor," Yul Kwon solved puzzles, earned the nickname "The Godfather" for his skillful maneuvering -- and helped smash stereotypes about Asian American men in the media."

So let me get this right... This Asian guy lives on an island for three weeks, solves various complex puzzles, bosses people around and now all of a sudden we are suppose to forget that most Asians drive cars with racing stripes and spoilers, love math more than sex, and have boners the size of a tic-tac?!?!

We think not!

Danny Trejo is better than sex

When many ethnic actors sell out to stereotypical roles, Danny Trejo keeps it real.

For keeping it real, keeping the hair long and the skin so beautiful; you Danny Trejo are our first 'Celebrity of the Week'.