Patches needs his ride pimped

Here we have Hollywood legend Rip Torn, best known as Patches O’Houlihan from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, after he had a few drinks and drove his 1995 Chevy Cavalier into a tractor-trailer. Cut Patches some slack as his Ford Taurus was in the shop getting automated door locks.

A few observation here; clearly our celebrities are under paid, I mean I know this guy is no Emilio Estevez, but come on a 1995 Chevy Cavalier? That is the kind of car fat Emo kids in high school drive, not heroes like Rip.

Isn’t it a little cold in NY for Patches to be cruising around with his window down? That is the only logical conclusion one can draw from such a disheveled comb-over. So judging by the hair and that dirty old man look in his eyes he must have tied one on and had his window down as he was trolling for young girls.

How fucked up do you have to be to not see a tractor-trailer? I mean a tree, a small foreign car, even a pedestrian I can understand but not a tractor-trailer.

Finally, who would have ever thought a guy who names himself Rip Torn could possibly have a drinking problem?

We still love you Patches!

Have you seen this man???

LONDON- British police said Friday they were hunting a man who stole a urinal from a pub toilet. The suspect walked into the Royal Oak pub in Southampton, on the English south coast, ordered half a pint of beer and then made several visits to the men's toilet. There he carefully removed a white urinal from the wall, stuffed it into a rucksack and was captured on closed circuit television walking out with the bulging sack on his back. "He made a very, very expert job of dismantling it from the wall and turning the water off. A very professional job," landlord Alan Dreja said.

As Friday night approaches, I find this story to be quite relevant.

Yeah, there are plenty of sick fucks out there. Some people collect dolls, while others collect baseball cards. My main man Buffalo Bill collected the skin of fat chicks in order to make a body suit. Hell, my buddy Dave (aka Clyde) collects every condom he has ever used (so far he has three). But you know your life sucks when you get caught with a pisser in a backpack and have your image all over the 'net. Tell me how you explain that to your buddies, let alone your parents? And what does dude do when he gets home with a pisser that thousands of drunk, uncut, European dongs have pissed into? My best guess is that his post-theft after-party includes the urinal, a bunch of lemonade, a bottle of Nivea lotion, and him choking himself out while "celebrates."

So as you drink this weekend, be sure to keep a look out for this dude and his backpack and mustache. In fact, be on the lookout for anybody this weekend with a mustache, because anybody with a 'stache in '07 is definitely up to no good!

You on the right... Put your shirt!

After 15 years of his torment, Mario Lopez has finally pushed me over the edge with the news that he will be hosting the Miss America Pageant.

My hatred for this man has consumed me to the point that there aren't enough words in the world to describe the disdain I have for him. However, I will try my best.


The top 10 reasons why I wish A.C. Slater would die:
1) Because he always found a way to showcase the Slater Dance, which was a cross between the Roger Rabbit and a gay guy having a seizure.
2) The man has no identifiable ethnicity. Is the man Mexican? Is the man Filipino? I doubt he even knows!
3) His hairdo (he looked like a fucking poodle for God's sake).
4) Because he always sat on chairs backwards (who, other than Slater, has actually ever sat like that?).
5) For ruining the words "preppy" and "mama."
6) The man cried when his pet lizard Artie died.
7) He wasn't there to help when Jessie Spano almost killed herself by taking 3 caffeine pills.
8) For putting on a fucking leotard and proceeded to do countless pirouettes, all because he wanted to go to a football game.
9) Because the Slater I know would have never sold out and acted like a lady-boy in The Greg Louganis Story.
10)The man's initials actually stand for Albert Clifford... Why the hell would Ali Landry ever bone a dude named Clifford is beyond me?

Enjoy hosting your little award show Albert Clifford because if I ever see you, I will hog-tie you, strip you down to your man-thong, and fill up those dimples of yours with my man-juice!!!

Cause of Swedish infertility found

Swedish tax officials want former ABBA star Bjorn Ulvaeus to pay $2.1 million for undeclared royalties from the supergroup's hits dating back decades.

It is the second time the Swedish Tax Authority has claimed the 61-year-old singer dodged taxes by not declaring millions in royalties going back decades, officials said Thursday. Victor Palm, a tax official, said the former star was "paying less tax" than he should, adding that the authorities suspect royalty payments to Ulvaeus were made to companies operating in foreign tax havens.

Bjorn, Bjorn, Bjorn... Didn't your mom teach you the three most important rules in life: treat others with respect, pay your taxes, and never use your best french tickler in a glory hole.

Clearly, you don't respect others because of your shitty music and your haircut, which have jointly caused millions to become sterile for the past 30+ years. Needless to say, you don't pay your taxes. Hopefully, you haven't lost a french tickler at a glory hole... If you have, you have broken the three most important rules in life and are, in essence, worthless.

As far as the $2.1 million you owe the government... Consider it a small price to pay for getting to have sex with anyone in your lifetime.

Thanks for ruining my fucking day Bjorn by making me look at your fucking hair and that stupid fucking look on your face! And start paying your fucking taxes for crying out loud!!!

Eric Roberts makes me climax

First of all, the remarkably talented Jonathan Silverman (aka the D-Bag from Weekend at Bernies) was our consensus Celeb of the Week. That was until a late night development... Namely, a wet dream I had late last night involving Eric Roberts and a couple of rare mammals. The dream involved E-Rob sitting in a white room petting his pet albino panthers while he calmly sipped a frothy-white beverage... He later told me he was sipping his "own batch, for there is no sweeter taste in the world."

For that alone, E-Rob reaffirmed his status as one of the greatest actors of his generation and quite possibly of all-time (if you don't agree, then you clearly haven't seen 'Best of the Best' or last season's 'CSI: Miami' episode when he had Horatio convinced he was the rapist).

E-Rob.... for your multitude of diverse roles, for bringin sexy back to us in '06, and for breakin' in the New Year by calmly sipping on your own load (resulting in my nocturnal emission), you are our Celeb of the Week!!!

Just living the dream

BRINY BREEZES, Fla. - The owners of nearly 500 mobile homes in one of the last waterfront trailer-park towns in South Florida stand to become instant millionaires if they agree to sell to a developer. But some are holding out, saying there are things more important than money.

I don’t want to sound like an elitist, but it is this kind of logic that resulted in these people having linoleum floors, turf lawn, and the luxury of hearing everyone’s bowel movements. They must not have taken a math class during their 1 semester of community college, because apparently they can’t figure out that they stand to make a profit of $850,000 for their “homes”. Think of all the Folgers coffee and Marlboro Lights that could buy! Who knows, they might even be able to double that money if they get a winner from the $20,000 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets they’re surely going to buy from 7-11.

Here is what I suggest; Take the money, put on your church clothes, wake up mom and dad, and take everyone out for a classy dinner at the Olive Garden. I mean for $850,000 you can have my home, my dog, my porno collection, and give me a golden shower while singing “I’m Too Sexy”.

Mannequins are sluts

FERNDALE, Mich. - A man who has a history of smashing windows to indulge his fetish for female mannequins could draw a long prison term for his latest arrest. Ronald A. Dotson, 39, of Detroit faces up to life in prison if convicted of a charge of attempted breaking and entering at a cleaning-supply company in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale.

Dotson was arrested Oct. 9 after police say he smashed a window at a cleaning-supply company to get at a female mannequin dressed in a black and white French maid's uniform. He had been out of prison for less than a week.

Dotson was arrested in Ferndale in July 2000 and later convicted for breaking and entering at a women's clothing shop to get at a mannequin in a pink dress with bobbed hair.

Finally, a man who gets it and who shares my affinity for quite possibly the most sensual thing in the world: a sexy, living, breathing mannequin (side note: perhaps the only thing sexier is a midget in scuba gear).

I mean, what guy hasn't walked around a department store with a boner after catching a glimpse of a female mannequin continually smiling at him? It happens to me all the time! I just feel bad when they do it in front of the guy mannequins... but i don't think they seem to care much about their ladies giving me the eye, because they seem to be smiling as well.

What I don't get is why they are threatening to lock this dude away for good. We would save everyone involved a whole lot of time and money if we just bought my boy Ronnie a mannequin of his choice and a bunch of tv-dinners and locked him in his basement... For Ronnie, like myself, would find heaven on Earth.

Who wins here? No one! We cannot help who we fall in love with; coitus is coitus be it with a man, woman, horse, emu, or mannequin. Just let the poor guy share his love with consenting mannequins.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

MADRID, Spain- A 67-year-old Spanish woman became the world's oldest mother after she gave birth to twins in the northern city of Barcelona on Saturday, a hospital official said.

The woman, whose identity has not been revealed by Sant Pau hospital, gave birth by Caesarian section on Saturday, having previously undergone in vitro fertilization in the United States, according to the national news agency EFE.

Originally from the southern region of Andalucia, the new mother chose the Barcelona hospital because it specializes in high-risk births.

This is one of the most disturbing stories I have ever read. True, having a child is one of the most special moments a human being can experience. But there is a reason why this old-chick just set a record.... Because ladies her age should be putting together jigsaw puzzles and not pumping themselves full of seed in hopes of having a kid. You don't believe me? You should have seen the look of relief on the Doc's face when she opted for the C-section. I won't go into detail, but one could only imagine what the "sideways-smile" looks like after approximately 50 years of action (My guess: a hybrid of a baseball mit, a banana slug, and some deviled-eggs). Perhaps the only image that disturbs me more is the time when my little brother got hammered and got caught eating out our dog.

Pirates now doing heroin

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida-- At least 14 men who apparently traveled by open boat across the Caribbean ended their voyage this week at the wealthy enclave of Jupiter Island, just north of posh West Palm Beach, where some broke into a home to cook themselves a meal and get cleaned up, police said.

Homeowners called to say they returned home to find "eggs on the stove, the shower having recently been used and a wet grocery bag of clothes," Atlas said. As they searched for the men, police found a boat containing a handgun and a duffel bag of heroin- and in the water next to the boat was a man's body.

First off, what are these guys doing in the Caribbean? Are they Pirates? If so, they need to be more discreet. I mean, the eye-patch, the peg leg, and the parrot are a dead giveaway... So I would have definitely been sure to leave the handgun, the duffel bag full of smack, and the dead dude back on the pirate ship in order to maintain somewhat of a low-profile.

Regardless, I can't help but put myself in the place of the unsuspecting homeowners... If I was just returning home from my Karate lessons (I am taking karate to avenge the death of my father who was killed by eight ninjas two years ago last week), and I found 14 pirates in my mother's basement eating oranges to cure their scurvy, I would be so fucking pissed! I am not sure how I would react (because my Sensei is teaching me self-control), but I would definitely have to injure at least 8 of them just to send a message to pirates everywhere

Biggest Dong Ever Shredded

LILLINGTON, N.C. - A woman attacked a man in his genitals during a Christmas party, injuring him badly enough that he needed 50 stitches, authorities said Friday. Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34, was charged with malicious castration in a fight early Tuesday at a party hosted by the 38-year-old man's girlfriend, police said.

State law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's genitals with the intent to hurt or render the victim impotent.

Dawson is accused of grabbing the man's genitals. Police said a weapon was not used. He declined to elaborate.

The police may not want to elaborate but I sure will as I have seen this sort of thing 100 times on Cops. Obviously, Dawson came over Christmas Eve for some canned ham and baked beans wearing her nicest jean shorts and an oversized Mickey Mouse t-shirt. After a night of watching porno, huffing paint, and guzzling Milwaukee’s Best, Dawson was sent into a rage when she walked in on “her man” getting fellated by another woman (presumably a sister or a close friend dressed in similar atire). Like a rabid dog on crank, Rebecca went right for her man's meat and proceeded to go Jackie Chan on his love region. Undoubtedly a large woman, Ms. Dawson must have used her girth to pin down the victim while she shredded away at his genitalia like an excited kid opening a Christmas present.

The most impressive and shocking aspect of this story; the victim needed 50 stitches to piece together his dong. Even if I dipped my wang in peanut butter and let Rosie O’Donnell go to town for 20 minutes, I don’t think I would need more than 15 stitches. It’s no wonder this dude was getting so much action... Lucky Bastard!!!