A mayonnaise masterpiece

RICHMOND, Va. - An art teacher whose off-hours work as a so-called “butt-printing artist” became widely circulated among high school students has been fired.

Murmer, a teacher at Monacan High School, was suspended in December after objections were raised about his private abstract artwork, much of which includes smearing his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas.

His paintings sell for as much as $900 each on his Web site.

As a bit of an artiste myself (I make short ‘films’ of women urinating) I am outraged by this school boards decision to fire a very talented man. How can a teacher elicit creativity in our youth if he is being punished for his own creative expression: rubbing paint on his naughty regions and making love to a piece of paper?

Had I known you could get paid for this I surely would have become a painter. Hell I did it for free during my meth smoking years. After a particularly long binge I would routinely massage myself with mayonnaise and lay between my couch cushions thinking I was a delicious turkey sandwich, obviously I would become aroused at how delicious a sandwich I was and then masturbate for hours at a time, but I digress...What I should have done was slide a canvas under me and call it a masterpiece. I could have made some serious loot as I was very versatile; mayonnaise, mustard, relish they all made me tasty, not ketchup though as it tended to stain and I am not a big fan of tomatoes as an artistic medium.

Ringworm, varicose veins, and pinecones

DALLAS - A high school teacher was charged under Texas' peeping-tom law with videotaping girls' wrestling matches for his sexual enjoyment. Police said David Ware, 28, often zoomed in for close-up shots of the girls' crotches. Ware shot about two hours of videotape at an all-day tournament Saturday but drew suspicion from a coach, Grand Prairie Sgt. John Brimmer said. A police officer reviewed Ware's tape.

"This was more than accidental footage of the genital areas," Brimmer said. "It appeared to be a purposeful act of zooming in."

Last year at Christmas I got a new camcorder... to see if the zoom button worked I zoomed in on my Grandma's crotch while she opened her gifts. I was having a blast until I realized that her crotch looked like a pinecone when I zoomed in really close... but it was just a relief to know that that feature of the camcorder worked!!! What I am clearly trying to say is that they should leave my boy alone!

So what if he spent the afternoon zoomed in on the crotches of unsuspecting young lassies? Maybe the guy just loves high school wrestling. Hell, they are lucky to have any fans at all, let alone fans who are enjoying themselves. I mean, what is more pleasant than watching a couple of chicks (that want to be boys) with thyroid problems exchange ringworm?

Funny thing about high-school chick wrestling... it's kind of like a nudist colony. The types of people you see at nudist colonies are never they type of people you want to see naked. After all, what is sexier than a 60 year-old lady with varicose veins and 2 pounds of sand caked to her vagina? Exactly! That's what watching these chicks wrestle is like. Kudos to you David Ware for enjoying such a sport!!!

Latino Mothers (as always) Keep it Real!!!

WOONSOCKET, R.I. - Two mothers and their 13-year-old daughters were arrested after police say one woman drove her already suspended daughter to school to fight a teenage rival. Ana Rivera, 44, and Maribel Santiago, 34, are scheduled to be arraigned Thursday on a charge of simple assault in connection with Monday's fight. Rivera allegedly drove her daughter to Woonsocket Middle School so she could fight Santiago's daughter. Police reports say the girls began feuding two weeks ago and began fighting outside the school on Monday. At one point, the melee involved all four girls, both mothers and a teacher, according to police.

First off, I can't believe this shit went down in Rhode Island. Actually, where is Rhode Island? Is it a state? If so, is there a capital? I have only heard of Rhode Island because that's where 'Dumb and Dumber' took place. But apparently the state is brimming with crazy Mexican women.

However, if it is a state, Rhode Island's Mexican women are much different than Mexican women found throughout the rest of the U.S.... I mean, these mothers are way too old to have 13 year-old daughters. Where I am from, by the age of 44, most of these broads are grandmas and are months away from being great grandmas. But regardless of how old they are... or how many kids they have... or how many kids their kids have... it's good to know that they are never above shaving their eyebrows, wearing tight jeans despite being fat (making their stomach-region look like a muffin top), wearing Oakland Raider jackets, and engaging in a mother-daughter brawl.

Thank you ladies for never making your men wrap it up or pull out, for representing the greatest state on Earth, and for just being so God-damn classy!

Be ready to throw down in Frisco

NEW YORK (AFP) - Members of a close-harmony group from Yale University are recovering after being ambushed and beaten up while on tour in California, according to local reports.

Members of the a cappella Baker's Dozen were performing at a party in San Francisco at the new year when their rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner" apparently sparked taunts and threats from fellow partygoers.

As a resident of San Francisco I would like to apologize for the behavior of my fellow San Franciscians! I am so sorry we could not put more of these losers in the hospital. Sure, they may very well be the people operating on me when I need a liver transplant but you would think a Yale education would wise these virgins up, because everyone knows if you go walking the mean streets of Frisco singing anything other than “I Wanna Sex You Up” or “Constant Craving” you are going to get a beat down by some very angry dudes in mock turtlenecks. Trust me I know…one night after a few too many Zima’s I was singing “Quit Playing Games with my Heart” and talking crazy about how the Backstreet Boys were way more talented than N’Sync when I ran into a gang of street thugs in plaid sweater vests and low rise jeans; when I came to I was covered in lip gloss, glitter, and claw marks. To this day I shiver whenever I hear Justin Timberlake's voice.

Love is a beautiful thing!!!!

SIOUX FALLS, South Dakota- Even college students might need a lesson or two about dating. Laurie Chaplin, a relationships counselor and licensed therapist who's been married 28 years, will be the instructor. "Some people may think it's a slack course, but I think they'll come out with something that changes their lives," Chaplin said. "We go to college and get an education. But our love relationships impact us more than anything else." In class they'll learn about infatuation and when it's best to break up. "Sometimes it's much more loving and smart to break up," she said.

I must admit, it may be impossible for me to remain objective on this one (mainly because I am incapable of love due to the fact that I was raised by wolves for 13 years as a child following a wrong turn while skiing. The experience sucked, but I did learn how to lick my own balls, which is a hell of a party trick).

However, if I was able to love, I definitely wouldn't go looking for love at college. In fact, why even offer a class this ridiculous? If the college is set on impacting the lives of its students, then it should offer more relevant classes:

"How to con a girl into unprotected sex (aka "Can I just put the tip in?")"
"How to pretend like you are nice and caring" (taught by Dr. Frank T.J. Mackey)
"If you take 40 milligrams of Adderral a day, are you a drug addict?"
"How to perform after a fifth of Bacardi"
"How to masturbate four times a day with that pesky dorm roommate"

You see, if one takes those five classes (15 units), which only meet Tuesdays/Thursdays, then the student will not only expand his/her mind but will be free for five days to do what he or she pleases: Namely getting drunk, taking prescription speed, masturbating, boning, and oh yeah.... NOT FALLING IN LOVE!!!!

Coaching is a hands on job

MONUMENT, Colo. - A former high school basketball coach faces 39 charges for allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows rolled down.

What the hell is the world coming to when a coach is punished for molding young minds with a little tough love? In my day this was called motivation, nothing got me pumped for a big game like watching porno and getting doused with cold water; usually by that point I was seeking a little groin action.

Seriously though, 39 charges are a bit much for a guy who just needs a friend and a little group therapy…say a NAMBLA meeting…I think they help with these sorts of issues? That would surely help him with many of his relationship problems. I can remember when I was a young man I had a coach who said he was involved with that group and he was the nicest guy in the world. He use to take me out for milkshakes and pie, he even gave me massages when I was sore after practice. Strangely enough, I witnessed him videotaping his application of Ben Gay on another player and we never heard from him again. I heard years later he was coaching the Thailand youth national team. I miss you Coach Karr!

Peter Dinklage casts a very large shadow

What Peter has done for "little people" is approximate to what Mother Teresa did for the disadvantaged, what Cesar Chavez did for Mexicans, and what O.J. did for blacks everywhere.

Peter's ability to take on diverse roles such as his parts in 'Elf,' 'Mendel's Dwarf,' and '3/5 of a Man' make the viewers forget that he's the size of a Chicken McNugget and, instead, is a tremendously talented little boy.

Peter Dinklage; for expanding our minds, for having such a big fucking head, and for at times just really creeping us out, you are our Celeb of the Week!

Van Damme: Your boner is so fierce!!!

Let me preface this posting by making it clear that I normally would never bash a dude for a little dick movement. To be honest, for some reason, I haven't made it through a Lucky Charms commercial in years without blazing a chubby... never mind the fact that I have woken up 2,189 straight mornings sporting a boner.

That being said, I haven't seen a public display of wood like this since my last middle-school dance (ladies you knew what was happening when the DJ put on "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men and all of us danced with our butts extended so as to not reveal all of the blood quickly rushing to our dongs). But knowing what I know now, and after seeing this display, I would have probably just pulled a J.C. and tried to start a fire by rubbing my meat frantically against an unsuspecting thigh.

J.C., in all seriousness, it is quite sad to see you go from Double Team 2 to having a Mexican guy inspect your package to see if you are really aroused by two trannies on live television.

Side-note: Am I gay in the light of the fact that I couldn't help but masturbate when I first noticed that Jean Claude's joystick was about to tear through his stone-washed jeans? I THINK NOT!

Do not pet the animals...unless they ask

ORLANDO, Fla. - A Walt Disney World employee dressed as the character "Tigger" was accused of hitting a child while posing for a photo, a spokeswoman for the theme park said Saturday.

Park officials temporarily suspended Michael J. Fedelem while they investigate the accusations, Disney spokeswoman Zoraya Suarez said.
"Naturally, physical altercations between cast members and guests are not tolerated," Suarez said.

In 2004 a Walt Disney World employee dressed as Tigger was accused of touching the breast of a 13-year-old girl while she posed with him for a photo.

A “cast member” acting inappropriately? I can’t believe that because surely this is a talented and intelligent man working as Tigger. Exactly what “cast” is this dude a part of; the cast of drunks, pedophiles, and pimpled faced tools who take these jobs? Don't we all grow up dreaming of dawning a full length tiger suit in the heat of Florida and posing for pictures with creeped out kids? Yeah sure, sign me up for that gig along with the mall security guard job and movie theater usher.

If you ask me, it is the father who should be arrested. Who allows their son to go out in public wearing a cut-off shirt and then makes him pose for a picture with Tigger? This is the same kind of father who drags their family across the country in a RV all for that precious picture of them placing their foot on the one corner where four states meet. I mean nothing says family fun and lifelong memories like stepping on four states simultaneously. Please do not torture your children because you have some weird obsession with Disney characters and your job at the Circle K doesn’t provide for an actual vacation.