Dirty pillows in heaven

As a man who loves big women this is a sad sad day. The most famous BBW of all-time has left this world and gone to the McDonalds in the sky. Yes, Anna Nicole Smith is gone forever and so too are the memories of abusing my body to her Playboy spread. Sure, she had some flaws: letting a 90 year old man with no teeth munch on her box, fucking that tool Howard K. Stern, murdering her son, and having a child out of wedlock whose paternity is still unknown; but we have all made mistakes...so don't judge.

Anna was a warm and gentle soul as evidenced by her mentoring of her bull dike purple haired assistant Kim Walther, and her friendship with the super macho and always stylish Bobby Trendy. Anna even invited the elderly and Jewish to lie in her bed as the abovementioned Howard K. Stern and J. Howard Marshall can attest too.

I hold a special place in my heart for Anna, because without her incredibly inspiring battle against lard I may still be 475 pounds. I saw what TrimSpa did for her in those commercials and bought myself a year’s supply. Now I am 467 pounds; thank you Anna!

Stay sexy in heaven pork chop!

Notice anything unusual (awesome) about this picture???

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. - An Albany, N.Y., man is accused of riding nude in a gondola at Stratton Mountain Resort on Dec. 15. William N. Barrett III, 46, pleaded not guilty to felony lewd and lascivious conduct and misdemeanor marijuana possession. Tuesday in Vermont District Court.
A witness reported to lift attendants that Barrett was nude and touching himself inappropriately while riding the lift. Barrett, who was fully clothed when he reached the bottom of the hill, denied being nude. He told police he had taken off his jacket and shirt because of the nice weather.

This is actually a picture of Mr. Barrett stretching before what he thought was going to be a fun day skiing. You see, Mr. Barrett has a bad back and he always stretches before skiing, so to not further aggravate his slipped-disk. To further loosen up, he sometimes has a Jack Daniels and Coke or some Budweiser (as you can clearly see in the picture). If you also look close enough in the picture you can barely make out the fact that Mr. Barrett HAS THE BIGGEST FUCKING NUTS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I mean, holy fuck!!! I am not gay, but I have spent the better part of my work-day staring at these things. His nut on the right looks like a fucking Pilates ball, or at the very least, is the size of the head of a down-syndrome baby. In fact, his nuts and sack are so big it looks like there is a flying squirrel hiding beneath his dick.

If I were Mr. Barrett's defense-attorney I would show the judge this picture... and explain that he got nude on the chairlift so he could better cup his balls so they wouldn't scrape on the mountainous terrain below. However, if the judge still doesn't buy this line of defense despite seeing the picture... the Judge will probably dismiss the case, as there is no way that the touching of balls this big could ever be deemed inappropriate.

iPods and Pea Coats: An Epidemic

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New Yorkers who blithely cross the street listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone could soon face a $100 fine.

Thank god! It is about time cities start fighting back. I think I am the only person in the fucking world that does not have an iPod or Pea Coat. I do have a radio, television, and Discman so why the fuck would I need an iPod? Yeah that's right...I said Discman! I do not need 2,000 fucking songs at my disposal. I don't know 2,000 words let alone songs. All I need is a Rascal Flatts or Carrie Underwood CD in my Discman and I am set for a day of easy listening.

I am tired of saying "excuse me" as I try to pass clueless iPod users only to have them not budge. I hate getting hit by the flaring arms of a middle aged man with purple hair as he has his one man rave on the sidewalk. No more listening to someone else’s rap music as I'm trying to read my romance novel.

If you ask me, this is not going far enough. I would suggest a city ordinance that requires anyone riding on public transportation take a shower at least 24 hours before boarding. I realize this may depress the minority work force due to an inability to get to work, but it is not fair that we people who can afford soap have to sit next to someone reeking of cigarettes, gin, and curry. Then I would make it against the law for fat women to take escalators (plus they need the exercise), which would then allow us people who have to get to work on time to keep walking up the escalator. Finally, I would ban the use of push carts by Asian women thus preventing any more foot and shin injuries. Do these few things and our cities will once again be habitable.

Daniel Baldwin hates his brothers

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. - A judge issued an arrest warrant Tuesday for Daniel Baldwin after he failed to appear in Orange County Superior Court on charges that he illegally took another person's car.

Which Baldwin is this one? I know there is a fat Baldwin, a Baldwin who watched Sharon Stone go to the bathroom and then railed her from behind, another Baldwin who is only slightly less fat and now hangs with the likes of Ron Jeremy, Jose Canseco and Ponch on reality TV shows, and a Baldwin who is less famous than any of his superstar brothers. Judging by the photo I would guess this is the less famous Baldwin.

Cut him slack though, it has to be tough living in the shadow of three megastars like Alec, William, and Stephen. I know what this is like as I to come from a family of entertainers. At a very early age I felt the pressure to perform sexually on camera and it took its toll on me. It was only through the grace of God, three stints in rehab, and a cocktail of powerful HIV drugs that I am here today to share my story. Hopefully Daniel will have a similar intervention and right his life.

I do have one gripe with Danny Boy though. The guy was fucking trolling the Santa Monica streets for a ride, undoubtedly in an attempt to get to an audition for Dancing with the Stars, and all he could come away with was a 2003 Yukon? Bro, this is why you aren’t as famous as your brothers…you just don’t have the passion and drive to succeed like they do. Alec never would have left Santa Monica in anything other than a BMW or Mercedes.

Next time you are down on your luck, which will probably be when you are released from jail, I suggest shaving and offering your newly acquired janitorial skills to your brothers for some table scraps.

Astronauts wear diapers... WHEN DRIVING!!!

ORLANDO, Fla. - NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and will remain jailed.

Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

An officer reported following Nowak and watching her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

At first glance this story looks like your typical kidnap gone awry resulting from a tangled love triangle. I called my good buddy Russ to pick his brain (his name is actually Randy, but once he moved away to college he changed his name to Russ.. to get chicks I think). Anyways, Russ (Randy) is a pretty creepy dude, and we suspect him of multiple kidnappings throughout the Bay Area. He said that the steel mallet, the knife, the trenchcoat, the rubber tubing and garbage bags are pretty much standard and essential if you are going to snag a chick in your red '86 Jeep Cherokee while she is jogging on a Thursday evening, tie her down to your mattress where the seats used to be, poke her repeatedly while smoking Marlboro Reds, and then bury her at the top of Edgewood park (where the trail forks East).

Anyways, what makes this fascinating is that the chick drove 900 miles... THE WHOLE TIME WHILE WEARING DIAPERS (to save time of course). If I do my road-trip math correctly, I estimate that she probably pissed 4-6 times during her journey and probably pooed 1-2 times. I think it's a safe bet to say that it probably isn't worth driving all that way to kill a chick if you have to sit in your 'lemonade' and 'logs' for the last 800 miles of the trip. That is unless, of course, the fellow astronaut's dick was huge... which could then make such a journey worthwhile.

Regardless, this tale saddens me to no end. In fact, when I get home this evening (and before my shift of ticket-taking at the local theatre), I am going to take down the flourescent stars and moon that cover my bedroom ceiling and glow at night. Because I no longer want to be an astronaut... Because astronauts poo while they drive!!!

R.I.P. Uncle Ronnie (1958 - 2007)

I aplogize for the lack of posts lately, but I have suffered a terrible tragedy, as my Uncle Ronnie (my hero) has passed away recently at the tender age of 48. I can't begin to express the sense of loss I feel right now at the thought of never being able to bask in Uncle Ronnie's warm glow again... a glow that had touched so many.

Ron-Ron was the best mailman that our town had ever seen and many feel that he was the best babysitter this world has ever seen. He had the ability to get along with anybody: kids, friends, strangers, old people, retards, and even blacks. Ronnie had many hobbies: he was the sensei at our local Dojo, he was a respected hair-stylist, and he produced some of the finest ice-sculptures these eyes have ever seen. And Ronnie had a huge dick, something that he loved to remind us of every Christmas.

And most of all, Ronnie was smart... Very smart!!! For instance, he refused to use a public-defender and chose instead to defend himself; beating not one, but two molestation charges. Further, last month my dog was very ill and began to refuse to take its thyroid medication. So what does my Uncle Ronnie do??? He makes a yogurt/medicine concoction and guess what... my dog began to take its medication and is now as healthy as a horse (the picture above was taken of Uncle Ronnie two weeks ago as he first attempted to give my dog its medication).

Uncle Ronnie: For saving my dog, for having such a big dick, for teaching my mom (your sister) how to have sex, for being the most popular guy in town, and for being so God-damn money... You are our honorary "Celeb of the Week."

R.I.P. you stud!!!