Astronauts wear diapers... WHEN DRIVING!!!

ORLANDO, Fla. - NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and will remain jailed.

Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

An officer reported following Nowak and watching her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

At first glance this story looks like your typical kidnap gone awry resulting from a tangled love triangle. I called my good buddy Russ to pick his brain (his name is actually Randy, but once he moved away to college he changed his name to Russ.. to get chicks I think). Anyways, Russ (Randy) is a pretty creepy dude, and we suspect him of multiple kidnappings throughout the Bay Area. He said that the steel mallet, the knife, the trenchcoat, the rubber tubing and garbage bags are pretty much standard and essential if you are going to snag a chick in your red '86 Jeep Cherokee while she is jogging on a Thursday evening, tie her down to your mattress where the seats used to be, poke her repeatedly while smoking Marlboro Reds, and then bury her at the top of Edgewood park (where the trail forks East).

Anyways, what makes this fascinating is that the chick drove 900 miles... THE WHOLE TIME WHILE WEARING DIAPERS (to save time of course). If I do my road-trip math correctly, I estimate that she probably pissed 4-6 times during her journey and probably pooed 1-2 times. I think it's a safe bet to say that it probably isn't worth driving all that way to kill a chick if you have to sit in your 'lemonade' and 'logs' for the last 800 miles of the trip. That is unless, of course, the fellow astronaut's dick was huge... which could then make such a journey worthwhile.

Regardless, this tale saddens me to no end. In fact, when I get home this evening (and before my shift of ticket-taking at the local theatre), I am going to take down the flourescent stars and moon that cover my bedroom ceiling and glow at night. Because I no longer want to be an astronaut... Because astronauts poo while they drive!!!