A mayonnaise masterpiece

RICHMOND, Va. - An art teacher whose off-hours work as a so-called “butt-printing artist” became widely circulated among high school students has been fired.

Murmer, a teacher at Monacan High School, was suspended in December after objections were raised about his private abstract artwork, much of which includes smearing his posterior and genitals with paint and pressing them against canvas.

His paintings sell for as much as $900 each on his Web site.

As a bit of an artiste myself (I make short ‘films’ of women urinating) I am outraged by this school boards decision to fire a very talented man. How can a teacher elicit creativity in our youth if he is being punished for his own creative expression: rubbing paint on his naughty regions and making love to a piece of paper?

Had I known you could get paid for this I surely would have become a painter. Hell I did it for free during my meth smoking years. After a particularly long binge I would routinely massage myself with mayonnaise and lay between my couch cushions thinking I was a delicious turkey sandwich, obviously I would become aroused at how delicious a sandwich I was and then masturbate for hours at a time, but I digress...What I should have done was slide a canvas under me and call it a masterpiece. I could have made some serious loot as I was very versatile; mayonnaise, mustard, relish they all made me tasty, not ketchup though as it tended to stain and I am not a big fan of tomatoes as an artistic medium.