My Brother Charlie Wears a Merkin

AMSTERDAM - The Netherlands, the country that has pioneered reality shows like "Big Brother," is planning a new first -- a dating program for the visibly disfigured.
"Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?" says an appeal on its Web site. "The program is a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way with the rest of the Netherlands and to show that they are absolutely not pitiful," the broadcaster said.

But the majority of Dutch viewers are turned off by the show that was initially set to be called "Monster Love."

First off, that kid in the picture is my little brother Chuck. He lost his leg when he was four after the side-car detached on my dad's motorcycle, sending my brother 40 feet into a revine. My dad was pretty broken up about his side-car being totalled, but he was pretty stoked to hear that my little bro would walk again... albeit with only one stick. That being said, I think my bro's disfigurement kind of gives me free reign here.

I think the real tragedy here is the fact that they wanted to name the show "Monster Love." I think they should call it "Monster Boner" instead, because that's what I have right now... and I don't see things changing until I bed me a hot burn victim or, at the very least, a vixen with a webbed-hand.

The Dutch need to loosen up a bit and take a cue from my dad and give the handicapped a hard time, so they feel like real people. Every year, on the first night of Chanukah, my pops tells the story in front of all of our guests of how my bro lost his leg and the majority of his skin on his lower body (making it impossible for him to grow pubes)... all this as a preface to the unwrapping of his new merkin, which my dad carefully picks out for him for to rock for the next year (my pops thinks it's vital to have some sort of hair there because, as he says, "chicks love that friction against their chewy hangs"). My bro doesn't seem to care much because he has such a good sense of humor... being handicapped and all. And he's always pumped to get his new pubic-wig.