Paula has the shakes

NEW YORK - Paula Abdul's spacy behavior on "American Idol" have prompted many to ponder if there's a tumbler or two of booze in that red cup on the table in front of her on the Fox talent contest.

That's nonsense, the 44-year-old "Idol" judge tells Us Weekly magazine in its Feb. 16 issue. "I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says. "Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that."

This is balderdash! Why must these tabloid journalists write such hurtful things? What lie are they going to write about next? That Randy Jackson has Tourette’s Syndrome because he always says “yo” and “dog”; or Justin Guarini is a twink working the Hollywood streets; or maybe that Ruben Studdard has an addiction to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It just never ends and it makes me sick!

As a third year PhD student in neuropsychology it is painfully apparent that Paula’s actions are not the result of alcoholism but rather due to her advanced Parkinson’s disease, which she obviously contracted during her well publicized affair with Michael J. Fox. The affair occurred while Paula was separating from her first husband Emilio Estevez the star of the Mighty Ducks trilogy and love child of Martin Sheen and Lupe Ontiveros (best known as the house cleaner from Goonies). Luckily, Emilio tested negative for Parkinson’s and has been able to maintain his prolific acting career.

Let this be a lesson to us all that anyone can get an STD, so if you’re going to have sex always wear a rubber as it will help reduce the risks of contracting Parkinson’s, cancer, and diabetes.