iPods and Pea Coats: An Epidemic

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New Yorkers who blithely cross the street listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone could soon face a $100 fine.

Thank god! It is about time cities start fighting back. I think I am the only person in the fucking world that does not have an iPod or Pea Coat. I do have a radio, television, and Discman so why the fuck would I need an iPod? Yeah that's right...I said Discman! I do not need 2,000 fucking songs at my disposal. I don't know 2,000 words let alone songs. All I need is a Rascal Flatts or Carrie Underwood CD in my Discman and I am set for a day of easy listening.

I am tired of saying "excuse me" as I try to pass clueless iPod users only to have them not budge. I hate getting hit by the flaring arms of a middle aged man with purple hair as he has his one man rave on the sidewalk. No more listening to someone else’s rap music as I'm trying to read my romance novel.

If you ask me, this is not going far enough. I would suggest a city ordinance that requires anyone riding on public transportation take a shower at least 24 hours before boarding. I realize this may depress the minority work force due to an inability to get to work, but it is not fair that we people who can afford soap have to sit next to someone reeking of cigarettes, gin, and curry. Then I would make it against the law for fat women to take escalators (plus they need the exercise), which would then allow us people who have to get to work on time to keep walking up the escalator. Finally, I would ban the use of push carts by Asian women thus preventing any more foot and shin injuries. Do these few things and our cities will once again be habitable.

Daniel Baldwin hates his brothers

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. - A judge issued an arrest warrant Tuesday for Daniel Baldwin after he failed to appear in Orange County Superior Court on charges that he illegally took another person's car.

Which Baldwin is this one? I know there is a fat Baldwin, a Baldwin who watched Sharon Stone go to the bathroom and then railed her from behind, another Baldwin who is only slightly less fat and now hangs with the likes of Ron Jeremy, Jose Canseco and Ponch on reality TV shows, and a Baldwin who is less famous than any of his superstar brothers. Judging by the photo I would guess this is the less famous Baldwin.

Cut him slack though, it has to be tough living in the shadow of three megastars like Alec, William, and Stephen. I know what this is like as I to come from a family of entertainers. At a very early age I felt the pressure to perform sexually on camera and it took its toll on me. It was only through the grace of God, three stints in rehab, and a cocktail of powerful HIV drugs that I am here today to share my story. Hopefully Daniel will have a similar intervention and right his life.

I do have one gripe with Danny Boy though. The guy was fucking trolling the Santa Monica streets for a ride, undoubtedly in an attempt to get to an audition for Dancing with the Stars, and all he could come away with was a 2003 Yukon? Bro, this is why you aren’t as famous as your brothers…you just don’t have the passion and drive to succeed like they do. Alec never would have left Santa Monica in anything other than a BMW or Mercedes.

Next time you are down on your luck, which will probably be when you are released from jail, I suggest shaving and offering your newly acquired janitorial skills to your brothers for some table scraps.

Astronauts wear diapers... WHEN DRIVING!!!

ORLANDO, Fla. - NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and will remain jailed.

Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

An officer reported following Nowak and watching her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. Police also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

At first glance this story looks like your typical kidnap gone awry resulting from a tangled love triangle. I called my good buddy Russ to pick his brain (his name is actually Randy, but once he moved away to college he changed his name to Russ.. to get chicks I think). Anyways, Russ (Randy) is a pretty creepy dude, and we suspect him of multiple kidnappings throughout the Bay Area. He said that the steel mallet, the knife, the trenchcoat, the rubber tubing and garbage bags are pretty much standard and essential if you are going to snag a chick in your red '86 Jeep Cherokee while she is jogging on a Thursday evening, tie her down to your mattress where the seats used to be, poke her repeatedly while smoking Marlboro Reds, and then bury her at the top of Edgewood park (where the trail forks East).

Anyways, what makes this fascinating is that the chick drove 900 miles... THE WHOLE TIME WHILE WEARING DIAPERS (to save time of course). If I do my road-trip math correctly, I estimate that she probably pissed 4-6 times during her journey and probably pooed 1-2 times. I think it's a safe bet to say that it probably isn't worth driving all that way to kill a chick if you have to sit in your 'lemonade' and 'logs' for the last 800 miles of the trip. That is unless, of course, the fellow astronaut's dick was huge... which could then make such a journey worthwhile.

Regardless, this tale saddens me to no end. In fact, when I get home this evening (and before my shift of ticket-taking at the local theatre), I am going to take down the flourescent stars and moon that cover my bedroom ceiling and glow at night. Because I no longer want to be an astronaut... Because astronauts poo while they drive!!!

R.I.P. Uncle Ronnie (1958 - 2007)

I aplogize for the lack of posts lately, but I have suffered a terrible tragedy, as my Uncle Ronnie (my hero) has passed away recently at the tender age of 48. I can't begin to express the sense of loss I feel right now at the thought of never being able to bask in Uncle Ronnie's warm glow again... a glow that had touched so many.

Ron-Ron was the best mailman that our town had ever seen and many feel that he was the best babysitter this world has ever seen. He had the ability to get along with anybody: kids, friends, strangers, old people, retards, and even blacks. Ronnie had many hobbies: he was the sensei at our local Dojo, he was a respected hair-stylist, and he produced some of the finest ice-sculptures these eyes have ever seen. And Ronnie had a huge dick, something that he loved to remind us of every Christmas.

And most of all, Ronnie was smart... Very smart!!! For instance, he refused to use a public-defender and chose instead to defend himself; beating not one, but two molestation charges. Further, last month my dog was very ill and began to refuse to take its thyroid medication. So what does my Uncle Ronnie do??? He makes a yogurt/medicine concoction and guess what... my dog began to take its medication and is now as healthy as a horse (the picture above was taken of Uncle Ronnie two weeks ago as he first attempted to give my dog its medication).

Uncle Ronnie: For saving my dog, for having such a big dick, for teaching my mom (your sister) how to have sex, for being the most popular guy in town, and for being so God-damn money... You are our honorary "Celeb of the Week."

R.I.P. you stud!!!

My boner dies with me

LONDON - Doctors shouldn't shy away from asking patients about their sex lives, a new research paper advises. Researchers say problems in the bedroom can translate into serious medical conditions, and ignoring sexual dysfunction may mean missing early indicators for heart failure, depression or other ailments, according to a paper published in Friday's issue of The Lancet.

Looks like I will be living until I am 130 years old, because the only dysfunction I have is an addiction to pleasing women. If Rocky Balboa fucked Barbaro (God rest his soul) and they had a son that would be me...the Italian Stallion. I mean doctors give me drugs to reduce the fierceness of my boner for fear that I may injure someone.

Who has ever heard of this sexual dysfunction bullshit? I think it is like Global Warming; just a myth so doctors and scientists can get more money for their "research", when all they are doing is staring at flaccid dongs and laughing at the men who possess them. I didn't go to medical school yet I know what a limp noodle looks like, and I also know that if my noodle was limp for more than 2 consecutive days I too would be depressed, so did we really need a study to tell us that! Luckily the only problem I have in the sack is deciding whether or not I'm going to wear a rub.

The day my boner dies is the day I stop living. I cannot imagine a world in which I cannot make my love and the world can no longer experience my love. That is not a world I want to live in. When, and if, my boner does die (probably at the age of 110) please take me behind the strip club, like a lame dog, and put me out of my misery.

Make STD transmission fun

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An outbreak of a contagious rash called herpes gladiatorum among Minnesota high school wrestlers led the state to suspend matches and halt contact practices, authorities said on Wednesday.

That is rough. Here you are an awkward teen just ready to begin your sexual journey and you contract herpes from rolling around with another dude in tights. They might have had a chance, had the media not picked up the story, because you could always play it off like it was some kind of allergic reaction (works every time) but now everyone knows and I don’t think they want the kind of women that would look past this kind of thing. No blow job’s, no happy endings, no regrettable drunken sex, not even kiss goodnight…all these dudes have to show for their herpes is hours of running around in sweat suits, cauliflower ear, male anorexia, and participation in a homoerotic sport.

This sort of thing happened at my high school. There was this weird dude with a stutter and abnormally small areolas (we played basketball together; I don’t roll like that) who was strangely close to his grandmother’s cats, and he always had these red circles on his body. Apparently women are very turned on by a stutter and sensitivity towards animals because soon chicks all over the school were showing up Monday mornings with red circles on their faces and arms. One Friday night I overheard this same guy laughing at some chick in one of the bedrooms at the house we were partying at “I I I I jjjjjjust tttto…tot…totally jjjjjiz…jiz…jizzed in yyyyour eye bbbbb…bit…bitch”. He then left the room as the girl began crying. Sensing an opportunity, I pretended to stumble into the room where I would comfort this poor gal and hopefully get sloppy seconds. I woke up the next morning and it looked like I had fucking polka-dots.

I tried everything to get rid of those circles: creams, alcohols, I urinated on them at the advice of a friend but nothing seemed to work. Finally, I went to the doctor and he gave me a strict regiment of antibiotics, fungal creams, and bathing instructions; He even told me to throw out all my clothes. Turns out I had ringworm. I have herpes, had a mean outbreak of crabs, even a recent battle with head lice but nothing compares to ringworm. Fuck condoms people, next time you are about to hook up cover your body in Lamisil!

Bitches love gettin' stoned

OTTAWA- Immigrants wishing to live in the small Canadian town of Herouxville, Quebec, must not stone women to death in public, burn them alive or throw acid on them, according to an extraordinary set of rules released by the local council.

"We wish to inform these new arrivals that the way of life which they abandoned when they left their countries of origin cannot be recreated here," said the declaration, which makes clear women are allowed to drive, vote, dance, write checks, dress how they want, work and own property. "Therefore we consider it completely outside these norms to ... kill women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, circumcising them etc."

Sometimes I forget, only to be reminded every so often of why I am so lucky that I don't live in Canada.

I just don't get how dudes in this city will be able to orgasm without being able to burn a girl or mist a girl with a little acid during sex. To me, there is nothing sexier than some bubbling and oozing skin during some really hot and heavy monkey-sex (when either the guy or the girl is hanging by something... be it a ceiling fan, shower-rod, pull-up bar, etc).

The female-circumcision thing doesn't bother me as much, because I don't think I have ever been able to get a girl off. So, to me, a clitoris is the same as an earlobe... just kind of a useless piece of flesh that pointlessly hangs there. And hey, I am circumsized, and I blow my load at least 3 times a day to 30-second clips of free internet porn. So I don't get why chicks wouldn't be able to do the same.

Other than the ban on chick-fires and acid dowsings, the absence of the law would have no effect on me if I was a chick living there. I mean, I don't drive, because of my felony DUI. I don't vote because I find it kind of pointless that we only vote once a year, which makes the lines unbearably long. I don't write checks because I steal a lot... and what I don't steal I pay for with my debit card. And I don't dance (I only breakdance which everyone knows is the oldest and truest form of dance... making it more than a dance due to its transcendent nature).

Mo money, Mo problems

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An 84-year-old retired electrician from Missouri has won $254 million in the Powerball lottery, lottery officials announced on Monday.

I am so sick of this shit! It seems like the only fucking people who win the lottery wear diapers, have no teeth, or blow their money paying child support. Why can’t someone like me, who would spend the money wisely, win the lottery? I pump plenty of my hard earned cash into 7-11 buying those damn lottery tickets along with my chewing tobacco, pints of milk, starbursts, and those tasty nachos. All I have to show for it is decaying teeth and terrible gastrointestinal problems. I, unlike these fools, would put my money toward many humanistic and self-fulfilling goals.

1.Hit an AA meeting and dish out thousands to dudes willing to take a shot of Jose Cuervo with me (only the best with my millions).
2.Get calf and pectoral implants.
3.Pay for a live webcam feed of Prague’s sexiest. No more of this free preview bullshit where they just flip their hair and show off their belly button. I’m a millionaire now.
4.Buy the section of seats behind home plate at AT&T Park for disadvantage amputees and mentally disabled adults.
5.Drive by Home Depot and hire some migrant workers to bath me and wipe my ass.
6.Give William Hung as much money as it takes to let me urinate on him while he sings “She Bangs”.
7.Purchase the services of Lou Ferrigno to sculpt my body and teach me sign language.
8.Setup a charity basketball game against the whole Roloff family from “Little People, Big World”. 1 on 5 and I will still dominate their ass.
9.Get a PhD online in 18 months so people have to call me doctor.
10.Go to Vegas Nicky Cage style and play Wheel of Fortune slot machines for 48 straight hours in my robe and moccasins.
11.Finally get me a Ronco Rotisserie cooker.

Don't worry, I will continue to hit my local 7-11 in hopes that one day these goals will become a reality.

The classics are always better

WESTERVILLE, Ohio - A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said.

Taylor Killian, 18, had rubbed his body with grapeseed oil to keep from being caught, and got up after the first time he was shocked to continue running toward a group of frightened students huddled in a corner at Westerville North High School, Lt. Jeff Gaylor said.

Fucking amateur! Grapeseed oil? Everyone knows that grapeseed oil drips off skin when it comes in contact with sweat, and as such is a terrible disguise. There is nothing wrong with the classic trench coat, beanie, fake mustache, and aviator shades; there is a reason it has passed the test of time. I have found that the application of water-based lubricants is a must this way you can slip out of the grasps of potential tacklers to continue showing off your goods, plus if you find that special lady you are already lubed up and ready to go. Make sure you always wear tennis shoes, because stun guns and pepper spray are an unfortunate sign of the times. I would also suggest consuming massive amounts of alcohol or PCP before you unleash the beast because when and if you encounter these non-lethal deterrents it will help reduce the pain, and trust me it will hurt like hell. One Halloween I was dressed as a Lollipop Kid and some bitch didn’t find my lollipop too amusing and doused me with pepper spray. Had I not been drunk it would have ruined my night…a little beer in the eyes and I was back impressing the ladies.

Performing this classic art of exposure during lunch time was another critical error. Sporting events, preferably those outside, are a much better venue for this sort of activity. Not only does it allow for greater viewership, but it also gives you many more escape routes. Finally, be careful that your escape route does not take you by any middle or elementary schools as this sort of thing is really frowned upon there. I learned this the hard way and now I have to introduce myself to all my neighbors and stay at least 1000 feet away from any schools.

I hope this information helps and next week I will discuss the lost art of Frotteurism.

Road Flares, Cops, and Titties!!!

PENSACOLA, Fla. - A teenager who sued the city after claiming a police officer forced her to do jumping jacks while topless has reached a $35,000 settlement, officials said.

Officer Shawn Patrick Shields found the girl, then 16, and a 19-year-old man together in a parked car in April 2003. Shields ordered the two teens out of the car, then told them he could arrest them for lewd and lascivious behavior, authorities said. The girl told investigators that Shields told her to perform five topless jumping jacks, which she said she did as he shone his flashlight on her.

Only five topless jumping jacks... What is Officer Shields gay or something? I would have started by handcuffing the 19 year old kid and then I would have duct taped his eyes opened. Then, a couple sets of jumping jacks for his women to get her all loosened up. I can't tell you what I would do to pass the next 3 hours because my mom is right behind me waiting to use the computer, but let me just tell you it would have involved 4 road flares, my baton, some pepper spray, some large sunglasses, the taser gun and my nipples. Now that's what I call a party and a lesson learned.

Not to mention that there would be no lawsuit because the girl would have walked away pleased, as I am thick like a tuna can down there... and her man would be very pleased, as he would learn the art of making love and how a real man handles his business (and he would have witnessed, and hopefully studied, my 'finishing move' which involves a series of downward thrusts... all the while my hands are strategically placed on my hips, to make the move appear easy... WHICH IT IS NOT!!!)

And what's wrong with showing a little titty? Shit, I breast-fed until I was 9 (you get more nutrients that way). I love titties!!! Just the sight of 'em gets me rock hard like R-Kelly to Girl Scout music!!!