The classics are always better

WESTERVILLE, Ohio - A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said.

Taylor Killian, 18, had rubbed his body with grapeseed oil to keep from being caught, and got up after the first time he was shocked to continue running toward a group of frightened students huddled in a corner at Westerville North High School, Lt. Jeff Gaylor said.

Fucking amateur! Grapeseed oil? Everyone knows that grapeseed oil drips off skin when it comes in contact with sweat, and as such is a terrible disguise. There is nothing wrong with the classic trench coat, beanie, fake mustache, and aviator shades; there is a reason it has passed the test of time. I have found that the application of water-based lubricants is a must this way you can slip out of the grasps of potential tacklers to continue showing off your goods, plus if you find that special lady you are already lubed up and ready to go. Make sure you always wear tennis shoes, because stun guns and pepper spray are an unfortunate sign of the times. I would also suggest consuming massive amounts of alcohol or PCP before you unleash the beast because when and if you encounter these non-lethal deterrents it will help reduce the pain, and trust me it will hurt like hell. One Halloween I was dressed as a Lollipop Kid and some bitch didn’t find my lollipop too amusing and doused me with pepper spray. Had I not been drunk it would have ruined my night…a little beer in the eyes and I was back impressing the ladies.

Performing this classic art of exposure during lunch time was another critical error. Sporting events, preferably those outside, are a much better venue for this sort of activity. Not only does it allow for greater viewership, but it also gives you many more escape routes. Finally, be careful that your escape route does not take you by any middle or elementary schools as this sort of thing is really frowned upon there. I learned this the hard way and now I have to introduce myself to all my neighbors and stay at least 1000 feet away from any schools.

I hope this information helps and next week I will discuss the lost art of Frotteurism.