Mo money, Mo problems

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An 84-year-old retired electrician from Missouri has won $254 million in the Powerball lottery, lottery officials announced on Monday.

I am so sick of this shit! It seems like the only fucking people who win the lottery wear diapers, have no teeth, or blow their money paying child support. Why can’t someone like me, who would spend the money wisely, win the lottery? I pump plenty of my hard earned cash into 7-11 buying those damn lottery tickets along with my chewing tobacco, pints of milk, starbursts, and those tasty nachos. All I have to show for it is decaying teeth and terrible gastrointestinal problems. I, unlike these fools, would put my money toward many humanistic and self-fulfilling goals.

1.Hit an AA meeting and dish out thousands to dudes willing to take a shot of Jose Cuervo with me (only the best with my millions).
2.Get calf and pectoral implants.
3.Pay for a live webcam feed of Prague’s sexiest. No more of this free preview bullshit where they just flip their hair and show off their belly button. I’m a millionaire now.
4.Buy the section of seats behind home plate at AT&T Park for disadvantage amputees and mentally disabled adults.
5.Drive by Home Depot and hire some migrant workers to bath me and wipe my ass.
6.Give William Hung as much money as it takes to let me urinate on him while he sings “She Bangs”.
7.Purchase the services of Lou Ferrigno to sculpt my body and teach me sign language.
8.Setup a charity basketball game against the whole Roloff family from “Little People, Big World”. 1 on 5 and I will still dominate their ass.
9.Get a PhD online in 18 months so people have to call me doctor.
10.Go to Vegas Nicky Cage style and play Wheel of Fortune slot machines for 48 straight hours in my robe and moccasins.
11.Finally get me a Ronco Rotisserie cooker.

Don't worry, I will continue to hit my local 7-11 in hopes that one day these goals will become a reality.

The classics are always better

WESTERVILLE, Ohio - A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said.

Taylor Killian, 18, had rubbed his body with grapeseed oil to keep from being caught, and got up after the first time he was shocked to continue running toward a group of frightened students huddled in a corner at Westerville North High School, Lt. Jeff Gaylor said.

Fucking amateur! Grapeseed oil? Everyone knows that grapeseed oil drips off skin when it comes in contact with sweat, and as such is a terrible disguise. There is nothing wrong with the classic trench coat, beanie, fake mustache, and aviator shades; there is a reason it has passed the test of time. I have found that the application of water-based lubricants is a must this way you can slip out of the grasps of potential tacklers to continue showing off your goods, plus if you find that special lady you are already lubed up and ready to go. Make sure you always wear tennis shoes, because stun guns and pepper spray are an unfortunate sign of the times. I would also suggest consuming massive amounts of alcohol or PCP before you unleash the beast because when and if you encounter these non-lethal deterrents it will help reduce the pain, and trust me it will hurt like hell. One Halloween I was dressed as a Lollipop Kid and some bitch didn’t find my lollipop too amusing and doused me with pepper spray. Had I not been drunk it would have ruined my night…a little beer in the eyes and I was back impressing the ladies.

Performing this classic art of exposure during lunch time was another critical error. Sporting events, preferably those outside, are a much better venue for this sort of activity. Not only does it allow for greater viewership, but it also gives you many more escape routes. Finally, be careful that your escape route does not take you by any middle or elementary schools as this sort of thing is really frowned upon there. I learned this the hard way and now I have to introduce myself to all my neighbors and stay at least 1000 feet away from any schools.

I hope this information helps and next week I will discuss the lost art of Frotteurism.

Road Flares, Cops, and Titties!!!

PENSACOLA, Fla. - A teenager who sued the city after claiming a police officer forced her to do jumping jacks while topless has reached a $35,000 settlement, officials said.

Officer Shawn Patrick Shields found the girl, then 16, and a 19-year-old man together in a parked car in April 2003. Shields ordered the two teens out of the car, then told them he could arrest them for lewd and lascivious behavior, authorities said. The girl told investigators that Shields told her to perform five topless jumping jacks, which she said she did as he shone his flashlight on her.

Only five topless jumping jacks... What is Officer Shields gay or something? I would have started by handcuffing the 19 year old kid and then I would have duct taped his eyes opened. Then, a couple sets of jumping jacks for his women to get her all loosened up. I can't tell you what I would do to pass the next 3 hours because my mom is right behind me waiting to use the computer, but let me just tell you it would have involved 4 road flares, my baton, some pepper spray, some large sunglasses, the taser gun and my nipples. Now that's what I call a party and a lesson learned.

Not to mention that there would be no lawsuit because the girl would have walked away pleased, as I am thick like a tuna can down there... and her man would be very pleased, as he would learn the art of making love and how a real man handles his business (and he would have witnessed, and hopefully studied, my 'finishing move' which involves a series of downward thrusts... all the while my hands are strategically placed on my hips, to make the move appear easy... WHICH IT IS NOT!!!)

And what's wrong with showing a little titty? Shit, I breast-fed until I was 9 (you get more nutrients that way). I love titties!!! Just the sight of 'em gets me rock hard like R-Kelly to Girl Scout music!!!

Erections can be dangerous

ANTWERP, Belgium (Reuters) - Mozart, an iguana with an erection that has lasted for over a week, will have his penis amputated in the next couple of days. Veterinarians at Antwerp's Aquatopia had sought to treat the animal's problem, but decided removal was the only solution because of the risk of infection. The good news for Mozart and his mates is that male iguanas have two penises.

I feel for the little guy. The same thing happened to me after a buddy suggested I mix Viagra with Ecstasy. I would come to learn later that this friend was in fact a homosexual, something I was completely oblivious to despite his nipple piercing and incessant need to rub hand lotion on me when I was “rolling”…Fast forward about an hour: I’m flaring my arms and legs to shitty House music and my cock is resembling a pulsating tomato. I start freaking out and ask my buddy what to do... Suprisingly enough, he suggests rubbing hand lotion on my cock to sooth the throbbing. The pain was immense yet oddly erotic. My buddy spent hours applying the lotion, but to no avail.

Believe you me, I thought about amputation but I had another friend who snapped and paid a Mexican surgeon to lop his off and now he has a colostomy bag and watches porno all day. I guess I passed out from all the blood rushing to my meat; when I came to 20 hours later my dick was chaffed, the Jergens was empty, and strangely there were roast beef cold cuts in my bed. Go figure.

There ain't nothing Wong with a little B.D.

Being an Asian American, there are so few role-models to look up to. Over the years, I have looked to many to provide me with inspiration: Bruce Lee, Kim Jong-Il, Wayne Newton and most recently, my Uncle Ronnie. I think my Uncle Ronnie put it best a couple of weeks back before he took off his shirt and took that picture by the tree.... "Bruce, it's tough being an Asian these days... damn tough."

He was right, but nobody has dealt with this better than my yellow-brotha B.D. Wong. B.D. has broken the mold for all Asians out there. He has put an end to Asian type-casting in Hollywood, by only playing brainiac doctors in supporting roles. The "Wonger" has also shown many young Asian boys that Asian males can get laid, by nailing his partner, Richie Jackson, so god-damn much. When B.D. isn't pushing Richie' shit in, he has done the impossible: have twins (males, ironically), despite never sleeping with a woman. While this feat is amazing and slightly impossible, it is dwarfed by the notion that these two queens now have a couple of young boys in their grasps. To me, letting these guys "raise" these two boys is kind of like letting the Hamburglar have a job at McDonalds making burgers.... just seems too good to be true.

B.D.: For getting your man pregnant, for having such a big dick, and for never portraying the smart Asian guy on television, we thank you.... and you are our 'Celeb of the Week."

Girls go wild for speedo's

LOS ANGELES, Jan 22 (Reuters Life!) - The founder of "Girls Gone Wild" videos featuring young women who take off their tops was fined $500,000 on Monday for violating rules designed to prevent exploitation of minors.

This may surprise many DOL readers, but I am in complete agreement with this ruling. To follow around drunken teens is exploitive and I am very against exploitation, unless it involves the elderly. I can remember my Spring Break days at Lake Havasu; it was a free-for-all and boy did I clean up. The chickadees were mesmerized by my feathered hair and well filled out Speedo. I gave them what they wanted and I got what I needed, but don’t worry ladies I always had a box of rubbers in my Fanny-Pack.

The last thing I would want during this seduction process is some pervert with a camera immortalizing my mating dance (moving my pelvis back-and-forth as to slap my wang against my stomach) while I stared down my prey through my Ray-Bans. It sealed the deal every time. I WAS SUCH A FUCKING SUPERSTAR!

I digress...what kind of a sick pervert would follow around drunken sorority chicks and videotape them doing naughty things to each other. As a father, if I somehow happened to come across these tapes and saw my daughter and her sorority sisters doing bad things to each other I would probably become aroused, rub one off (I would stop during scenes involving my daughter), and then slap his ass with a lawsuit.

Chris Hansen would like to meet you

By now we have all seen the phenomenon that is To Catch a Predator with Chris Hansen; never has a man taken so much pride in the retelling of cybersex chat logs. Yes Chris, you are a very talented and tough little man. Your interrogation of those men, while they’re sitting on a stool, is both informative and thought provoking! Thank you for protecting our children from truckers, military men, and Hindu’s. Your work is invaluable.

I hate to sympathize with these peders, but does anyone else think the cops use slightly too much force? Do we really need 30 cops surround a house where a 150 pound man with acne, a mustache, and a backpack is entering? Only to pile drive him into the ground as he leaves the most embarrassing situation of his life. You would think these guys would notice a few cops during the half hour they chill outside the house in their truck working themselves into a frenzy.

Chris Hansen does seem to have a slight advantage though; the guy is fishing with fucking dynamite. Most of the cats they bust have not been with a woman since their mom stopped breast feeding them at the age of 10. To then seduce them with suppleness the likes of a young Mandy Moore is simply unjust. I, a man of superior moral character, might even be tempted by the decoy they use (does she have a website?).

I do suggest one thing for guys who are thinking about meeting hot young puss...look in the mirror and ask yourself one question: why would a 14 year old girl want my fat, ugly, unsuccessful ass? Contrary to what you may think, a picture of your cock and a 6-pack of beer are not that persuasive.

My Brother Charlie Wears a Merkin

AMSTERDAM - The Netherlands, the country that has pioneered reality shows like "Big Brother," is planning a new first -- a dating program for the visibly disfigured.
"Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?" says an appeal on its Web site. "The program is a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way with the rest of the Netherlands and to show that they are absolutely not pitiful," the broadcaster said.

But the majority of Dutch viewers are turned off by the show that was initially set to be called "Monster Love."

First off, that kid in the picture is my little brother Chuck. He lost his leg when he was four after the side-car detached on my dad's motorcycle, sending my brother 40 feet into a revine. My dad was pretty broken up about his side-car being totalled, but he was pretty stoked to hear that my little bro would walk again... albeit with only one stick. That being said, I think my bro's disfigurement kind of gives me free reign here.

I think the real tragedy here is the fact that they wanted to name the show "Monster Love." I think they should call it "Monster Boner" instead, because that's what I have right now... and I don't see things changing until I bed me a hot burn victim or, at the very least, a vixen with a webbed-hand.

The Dutch need to loosen up a bit and take a cue from my dad and give the handicapped a hard time, so they feel like real people. Every year, on the first night of Chanukah, my pops tells the story in front of all of our guests of how my bro lost his leg and the majority of his skin on his lower body (making it impossible for him to grow pubes)... all this as a preface to the unwrapping of his new merkin, which my dad carefully picks out for him for to rock for the next year (my pops thinks it's vital to have some sort of hair there because, as he says, "chicks love that friction against their chewy hangs"). My bro doesn't seem to care much because he has such a good sense of humor... being handicapped and all. And he's always pumped to get his new pubic-wig.

Old Chicks Rock!!!

LINZ, Austria - Firefighters said Monday they rescued an 81-year-old pensioner who spent four days stuck in her tub after she got in for a warm bath and couldn't muster enough strength to get out.

Firefighters told public broadcaster ORF the woman was in surprisingly good condition despite having been immersed in bath water since last Thursday evening. They said she told her rescuers she lacked the strength to get out of the tub and had knocked and shouted for help.

How ironic is it that a couple of days ago we write about Bob Barker still going strong at 83 years old on his strict regimen of bacon, vodka and fresh putang... and now we have a lady two years his junior that is too fucking lame to even get out of her bathtub. Who can't get out of a bathtub? Last time I looked, my bathtub was about a foot and a half high. What is she bathing in a fucking well?

Furthermore, who takes baths.. baths are soooo 1980's, when people found it amusing to take bubble baths and play all sorts of games like the Loch Ness Monster (when you pop a boner... let it rise above the bubbles... flex it a few times... making it look like Nessie). Or when you fromp (which is basically just farting in the tub and biting the resulting bubbles).

Regardless, I know how my hands look after about an hour of hot-tubbing... so I can only imagine what grandma's twat looked like after more than half of a week of casually soaking. I am guessing it looked like a hybrid of Jessica Tandy, a bulldog, and about a half-gallon of cottage cheese.

This man is an unoriginal pedophile

PHOENIX - A charter school alerted authorities to a 29-year-old sex offender who tried to enroll there, pretending he was just 12, in what sheriff's officials said Friday may have been an attempt to lure children into sexual abuse.

The Yavapai County sheriff's office also said Neil Havens Rodreick II conned two men he was living with and having sex with into believing he was a young boy. One of them, 61-year-old Lonnie Stiffler, called himself Rodreick's grandfather when he tried to enroll him at Mingus Springs Charter School as "Casey Price."

Stiffler and Robert James Snow, 43, "were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a pre-teen boy," Quayle said.

This dude is a plagiarizer! He stole this fucking idea from the Wayans Brothers. I remember watching their movie Little Man and thinking to myself…if only I were a midget or looked like a pre-teen boy I could totally fake people out.

I am sure his enrollment in middle school was harmless; he probably just needed to brush up on various topics so he could compete in an academic decathlon to decide control of his fathers company.

I have to give him props though, because this dude really got into character by shaving off all his body hair. He will be hating life when that shit starts growing back. I can remember shaving my head once when I noticed a rather asymmetric patch of chest hair…next thing I know…my right testicle was bleeding and I had a nasty case of razor burn that looked like a herpes outbreak (so I have been told). Once that stuff started growing back I had to call in sick to work for 3 days and pleasure myself for hours just to relieve the itching.

Seriously though, the real victims here are the two older gentlemen who had fallen in love with who they thought was a pre-teen boy. I have been lied to like this in past relationships, and it stings. To open up and give yourself complete to a person, and find out they are not who they claim to be, is heartbreaking.