You are a dumb vagina

Anonymous said...
Hey Nancy,

that's right.....Nancy, as in: you're such a 'nancy'....Dude, cmon......you describe fishing as a 'an effort to catch 'a vagina tasting slimy creature'???...what are you thinking? Fishing takes patience, focus, and you need to be able to deal with nature's worst at times.....Don't be such a pussy....and don't comment on things that you obviously know very little about.

We find it necessary to once again dip into the old mail bag and respond to one of our very intuitive and intellectual readers. The above response (by a vagina named "anonymous"), was in regards to a recent posting of ours when we made it clear how retarded and lame fishing is.

As we mentioned previously, fishing is in fact a pursuit of 'a vagina tasting slimy creature.' Fish are indeed slimy and yes, the fish I catch (in the local waterway) do taste like many of the bitches I eat out (mostly large black women). So... it looks like we are all square on the purpose of fishing, which is to catch a creature that is slimy and tastes like negro putang. On to the issue at hand!

It seems, however, that we are in disagreement over the skill-level necessary during this strenuous (leisurely) activity. You (you fucking vagina), claim that "fishing takes patience, focus, and you need to be able to deal with nature's worst at times." Well... being constipated and trying to shit in a thunderstorm takes patience, focus and dealing with mother-nature. Another activity that would qualify as being "fishing-like" according to your definition would be me kidnapping and making love to your mother in a hailstorm.

Anonymous: Thank you again for your insight and remember this weekend while you fish that you are a dumb, nonathletic, worthless, fishing vagina.

Ron Jeremy is proud to be a Jew

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Porn star Ron Jeremy wants to be taken seriously -- with his clothes on.

Dressed in a dark track suit with a protruding belly that shows he is past his physical prime, Jeremy hardly strikes you as one of the most successful American porn stars.

But Jeremy, 53, who claims to have been with more than 4,000 women during a 30-year career, is the first to admit that he is not your stereotypical sex star. He believes his average looks are a key to his success.

As a fellow Jew I am rooting for Mr. Jeremy to succeed, as his quest is one all Jewish men have been on for almost 3,000 years…to be taken seriously. For too long we have been mocked for our curly afros, slumping shoulders, and abnormally large calves. IT MUST STOP! We may be men small in stature, but beneath our jungle of coarse pubic hair lays a sleeping anaconda. Ron has done more for the Jewish movement than anyone in recent memory, Moses included.

I use to be the butt of everyone’s jokes, but that all changed one magical day. My mother had run out of laundry detergent, so I was forced to go to school with no underwear. During gym class I was dominating on the badminton courts when my gym teacher came from behind and “pants” me, leaving me exposed for the whole senior class to see. All I heard were shrieks of shock and awe as my flaccid dong hung along side my well defined quadriceps. Frozen from embarrassment the only thing I could think of doing was some of my penis puppetry tricks that I usually do for Rosh Hashanah. Soon people were laughing and slapping me high-five. After that it was like everyday was a bar mitzvah; women wanted to be with me, and men want to be me.

It is sad when Jewish men can only be taken seriously when they are in the midst of an anal gang bang or doing penis puppetry. We, as a people, are more than our freakishly large genitalia. That said...I am sure you have all heard the expression “once you go black you never go back”; well at the Temple we have a similar expression, “once you go Israelite you're always a sodomite".

I miss you daddy!!!

OTTAWA- A Canadian television network was formally reprimanded on Wednesday for a program which showed a man repeatedly swearing and drinking beer while driving a motorboat and then telling children they should behave like him.

The offending segment from an action sports show called "fatbluesky" showed a character called Joe driving a boat which contained a cooler filled with beer. Joe was then seen drinking from a beer can while at the wheel. Later on he addressed "boys and girls" and told them in expletive-filled comments that if they were as smart as he was, they could live the same way as he did.

Ther isn't really much to say about this story other than the fact that this guy obviously rocks! I have been going to church every Sunday trying to live the "right way." But now it's clear: the "right way" involves Miller Lite, outboard motors, and hot Canadian boat-hoes.

However, this story saddens me, for it reminds me of my dead father (who is pictured above). My dad loved boats and he loved to drink.... Most importantly, he loved his Captain's hat, which he wore everywhere.

This picture was taken in 1985 when my dad, my mom, my sister, and I were enjoying a nice day out on the delta. My dad had a few too many "brew-dogs" as he liked to call them and he made love to my mom right there in front of us on the boat's bow. It was a disturbing sight and all... My mom trying to fend my dad off the best she could, while he tried his best to give her a Cleaveland Steamer, all the while trying to keep his beer from spilling and his Captain's hat from falling off. To cut a long story short, he finished his "steamer" while screaming "I am El Capitan!!!" Nine months later, I got a little brother. Unfortunately, my father never got to see my brother, for my dad died tragically as he attempted to barefoot waterski while trying to touch his tongue to his T'aint.

I miss you dad!

Fishing is a very sensuous thing

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - The fish's long shadow slid under the ice, causing Darren Horness to blink. "I was skimming some ice off the hole, and all the sudden I thought I caught a little bit of movement, and I had to kind of take a step back," said Horness, 36, of Howards Grove. "The fish was actually coming up into the hole, I just could see part of it and could tell it was a kind of a nice fish, but I had no idea how big it really was."

This may be hard to believe but I am not much of a manly dude when it comes to red neck activities like fixing cars on my lawn, shooting potentially dangerous squirrels, and catching slimy vagina tasting creatures from our waters depths. So I may not be the right person to comment on this story; but I find it very odd that someone would willingly walk onto a frozen lake to cut a hole in it, all for the purpose of staring at said hole for hours, waiting for that exhilarating moment when your bobber bobs...and then the battle begins! Man versus beast in a winner takes all show down. You with your $300 rod, $100 reel, and $80 tackle box against the fish with his fins; who is going to win? Sure the fish is, at most, half your size and has a brain the size of a pea, but at any moment he could pull you under the water and go Jackie Chan on your ass with his 3 inch fins. In my book you are all heroes as someone has to provide little old Japanese men with food.

Is it normal to describe your struggle with the fish in such a sexual way, and then take pornographic pictures with it like Mr. Grove?

Paula has the shakes

NEW YORK - Paula Abdul's spacy behavior on "American Idol" have prompted many to ponder if there's a tumbler or two of booze in that red cup on the table in front of her on the Fox talent contest.

That's nonsense, the 44-year-old "Idol" judge tells Us Weekly magazine in its Feb. 16 issue. "I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says. "Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that."

This is balderdash! Why must these tabloid journalists write such hurtful things? What lie are they going to write about next? That Randy Jackson has Tourette’s Syndrome because he always says “yo” and “dog”; or Justin Guarini is a twink working the Hollywood streets; or maybe that Ruben Studdard has an addiction to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It just never ends and it makes me sick!

As a third year PhD student in neuropsychology it is painfully apparent that Paula’s actions are not the result of alcoholism but rather due to her advanced Parkinson’s disease, which she obviously contracted during her well publicized affair with Michael J. Fox. The affair occurred while Paula was separating from her first husband Emilio Estevez the star of the Mighty Ducks trilogy and love child of Martin Sheen and Lupe Ontiveros (best known as the house cleaner from Goonies). Luckily, Emilio tested negative for Parkinson’s and has been able to maintain his prolific acting career.

Let this be a lesson to us all that anyone can get an STD, so if you’re going to have sex always wear a rubber as it will help reduce the risks of contracting Parkinson’s, cancer, and diabetes.

Gary Glitter is persistent

HANOI, Vietnam - A Vietnamese court reduced former British rocker Gary Glitter's child molestation sentence Wednesday, cutting his three-year term by three months as part of a nationwide Lunar New Year prison amnesty, a judge said. Glitter, convicted of molesting two Vietnamese girls, will now be released in August 2008, said Tran Thi Thien Huong, a judge on the deciding panel.

The 62-year-old Glitter, whose real name is Paul Francis Gadd, was convicted in March 2006 of committing "obscene acts with children." He later went to Cambodia but was expelled from that country in 2002. Cambodian officials did not specify a crime or file charges against him.

In my book: any man whose name rhymes with God (Gaad), has amazing hair, rocks (and pulls off) rhinestones, and has an air of confidence such as Gary G, should be free to grope anybody he damn well pleases.

But just say that my little rule doesn't apply in these third-world countries... I think that the only thing that Mr. Glitter should be guilty of (other than being too awesome) is just being cheap. Rumor has it... One could have a room full of virgins for weeks on end in places such as these for pennies on the dollar. Think about that: ten dollars, for unlimited sex with virgins. I just don't get why he wouldn't just spend the ten bucks and take some of these little fuckers behind the woodshed. I mean the guy produced songs for the Beatles before becoming simply-awesome in the 70's. Ten fucking dollars Gary... TEN BUCKS!!!

Best part is, Gary was actually formally kicked out of Cambodia. I mean, how do you call mom and explain to her that you actually did enough sick shit to get kicked out of a country where it is socially acceptable to crap on 8 year olds (if you have the cash of course)? At that point, you are officially the lowest of the low. I liken it to coming in last place in the 100-meter/ down-syndrome heat at the Special Olympics.

That's about all I have to say about Mr. Glitter, as I have my travel agent on the line. I am seeing what the air-fare looks like for a little trip to Cambodia for Spring Break.

Celebrity is a team effort

As we rack our brains weekly in search of the ever-elusive 'Celeb of the Week,' we often times find it difficult to define celebrity. What makes a person a celebrity? Is it luscious lips (Eriq La Salle)? Is it ravishing good looks (Eric Roberts)? Is it being the greatest Asian homosexual actor of a generation (B.D. Wong)? Is it having a huge dick despite being the size of a Cabbage-Patch doll (Peter Dinklage)? Or is countless biographical shows about you running endlessly on the Discovery Health Channel, TLC, and A & E? I think it is the latter!

Further cementing The Schappell Twins 'Celebrity of the Week' status is the fact that Reba (the little one who gets wheeled around) in addition to being a trophy winning bowler is also a country singer who won the L.A. Music Award for Best New Country Artist in 1997. She has performed in Germany and Japan, as well as multiple places in the U.S., and sung the National Anthem at the Cabbie vs. Stuttering John fight in May, 2002. Lori (the big lesbian looking one) basically just pushes Reba everywhere she needs to go.

You may recall their co-starring role in the movie Stuck on You as siamese twins. They also appeared in an episode of Nip/Tuck where they were marvelous as conjoined twins.

Because these vixens have persevered through a life of constantly smelling each others bowel movements, allowed video cameras to tape them for our amusement, and for brightening the world with their (her?) music...the Schappell twins are our special Celebrities of the Week!

Dirty pillows in heaven

As a man who loves big women this is a sad sad day. The most famous BBW of all-time has left this world and gone to the McDonalds in the sky. Yes, Anna Nicole Smith is gone forever and so too are the memories of abusing my body to her Playboy spread. Sure, she had some flaws: letting a 90 year old man with no teeth munch on her box, fucking that tool Howard K. Stern, murdering her son, and having a child out of wedlock whose paternity is still unknown; but we have all made mistakes...so don't judge.

Anna was a warm and gentle soul as evidenced by her mentoring of her bull dike purple haired assistant Kim Walther, and her friendship with the super macho and always stylish Bobby Trendy. Anna even invited the elderly and Jewish to lie in her bed as the abovementioned Howard K. Stern and J. Howard Marshall can attest too.

I hold a special place in my heart for Anna, because without her incredibly inspiring battle against lard I may still be 475 pounds. I saw what TrimSpa did for her in those commercials and bought myself a year’s supply. Now I am 467 pounds; thank you Anna!

Stay sexy in heaven pork chop!

Notice anything unusual (awesome) about this picture???

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. - An Albany, N.Y., man is accused of riding nude in a gondola at Stratton Mountain Resort on Dec. 15. William N. Barrett III, 46, pleaded not guilty to felony lewd and lascivious conduct and misdemeanor marijuana possession. Tuesday in Vermont District Court.
A witness reported to lift attendants that Barrett was nude and touching himself inappropriately while riding the lift. Barrett, who was fully clothed when he reached the bottom of the hill, denied being nude. He told police he had taken off his jacket and shirt because of the nice weather.

This is actually a picture of Mr. Barrett stretching before what he thought was going to be a fun day skiing. You see, Mr. Barrett has a bad back and he always stretches before skiing, so to not further aggravate his slipped-disk. To further loosen up, he sometimes has a Jack Daniels and Coke or some Budweiser (as you can clearly see in the picture). If you also look close enough in the picture you can barely make out the fact that Mr. Barrett HAS THE BIGGEST FUCKING NUTS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I mean, holy fuck!!! I am not gay, but I have spent the better part of my work-day staring at these things. His nut on the right looks like a fucking Pilates ball, or at the very least, is the size of the head of a down-syndrome baby. In fact, his nuts and sack are so big it looks like there is a flying squirrel hiding beneath his dick.

If I were Mr. Barrett's defense-attorney I would show the judge this picture... and explain that he got nude on the chairlift so he could better cup his balls so they wouldn't scrape on the mountainous terrain below. However, if the judge still doesn't buy this line of defense despite seeing the picture... the Judge will probably dismiss the case, as there is no way that the touching of balls this big could ever be deemed inappropriate.

iPods and Pea Coats: An Epidemic

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New Yorkers who blithely cross the street listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone could soon face a $100 fine.

Thank god! It is about time cities start fighting back. I think I am the only person in the fucking world that does not have an iPod or Pea Coat. I do have a radio, television, and Discman so why the fuck would I need an iPod? Yeah that's right...I said Discman! I do not need 2,000 fucking songs at my disposal. I don't know 2,000 words let alone songs. All I need is a Rascal Flatts or Carrie Underwood CD in my Discman and I am set for a day of easy listening.

I am tired of saying "excuse me" as I try to pass clueless iPod users only to have them not budge. I hate getting hit by the flaring arms of a middle aged man with purple hair as he has his one man rave on the sidewalk. No more listening to someone else’s rap music as I'm trying to read my romance novel.

If you ask me, this is not going far enough. I would suggest a city ordinance that requires anyone riding on public transportation take a shower at least 24 hours before boarding. I realize this may depress the minority work force due to an inability to get to work, but it is not fair that we people who can afford soap have to sit next to someone reeking of cigarettes, gin, and curry. Then I would make it against the law for fat women to take escalators (plus they need the exercise), which would then allow us people who have to get to work on time to keep walking up the escalator. Finally, I would ban the use of push carts by Asian women thus preventing any more foot and shin injuries. Do these few things and our cities will once again be habitable.