Make STD transmission fun

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An outbreak of a contagious rash called herpes gladiatorum among Minnesota high school wrestlers led the state to suspend matches and halt contact practices, authorities said on Wednesday.

That is rough. Here you are an awkward teen just ready to begin your sexual journey and you contract herpes from rolling around with another dude in tights. They might have had a chance, had the media not picked up the story, because you could always play it off like it was some kind of allergic reaction (works every time) but now everyone knows and I don’t think they want the kind of women that would look past this kind of thing. No blow job’s, no happy endings, no regrettable drunken sex, not even kiss goodnight…all these dudes have to show for their herpes is hours of running around in sweat suits, cauliflower ear, male anorexia, and participation in a homoerotic sport.

This sort of thing happened at my high school. There was this weird dude with a stutter and abnormally small areolas (we played basketball together; I don’t roll like that) who was strangely close to his grandmother’s cats, and he always had these red circles on his body. Apparently women are very turned on by a stutter and sensitivity towards animals because soon chicks all over the school were showing up Monday mornings with red circles on their faces and arms. One Friday night I overheard this same guy laughing at some chick in one of the bedrooms at the house we were partying at “I I I I jjjjjjust tttto…tot…totally jjjjjiz…jiz…jizzed in yyyyour eye bbbbb…bit…bitch”. He then left the room as the girl began crying. Sensing an opportunity, I pretended to stumble into the room where I would comfort this poor gal and hopefully get sloppy seconds. I woke up the next morning and it looked like I had fucking polka-dots.

I tried everything to get rid of those circles: creams, alcohols, I urinated on them at the advice of a friend but nothing seemed to work. Finally, I went to the doctor and he gave me a strict regiment of antibiotics, fungal creams, and bathing instructions; He even told me to throw out all my clothes. Turns out I had ringworm. I have herpes, had a mean outbreak of crabs, even a recent battle with head lice but nothing compares to ringworm. Fuck condoms people, next time you are about to hook up cover your body in Lamisil!