Mo money, Mo problems

CHICAGO (Reuters) - An 84-year-old retired electrician from Missouri has won $254 million in the Powerball lottery, lottery officials announced on Monday.

I am so sick of this shit! It seems like the only fucking people who win the lottery wear diapers, have no teeth, or blow their money paying child support. Why can’t someone like me, who would spend the money wisely, win the lottery? I pump plenty of my hard earned cash into 7-11 buying those damn lottery tickets along with my chewing tobacco, pints of milk, starbursts, and those tasty nachos. All I have to show for it is decaying teeth and terrible gastrointestinal problems. I, unlike these fools, would put my money toward many humanistic and self-fulfilling goals.

1.Hit an AA meeting and dish out thousands to dudes willing to take a shot of Jose Cuervo with me (only the best with my millions).
2.Get calf and pectoral implants.
3.Pay for a live webcam feed of Prague’s sexiest. No more of this free preview bullshit where they just flip their hair and show off their belly button. I’m a millionaire now.
4.Buy the section of seats behind home plate at AT&T Park for disadvantage amputees and mentally disabled adults.
5.Drive by Home Depot and hire some migrant workers to bath me and wipe my ass.
6.Give William Hung as much money as it takes to let me urinate on him while he sings “She Bangs”.
7.Purchase the services of Lou Ferrigno to sculpt my body and teach me sign language.
8.Setup a charity basketball game against the whole Roloff family from “Little People, Big World”. 1 on 5 and I will still dominate their ass.
9.Get a PhD online in 18 months so people have to call me doctor.
10.Go to Vegas Nicky Cage style and play Wheel of Fortune slot machines for 48 straight hours in my robe and moccasins.
11.Finally get me a Ronco Rotisserie cooker.

Don't worry, I will continue to hit my local 7-11 in hopes that one day these goals will become a reality.